Autocorrect changed “you flatter me” to “you flatten me” and shit just got really weird.
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My wife asked me why I was doing the dishes while sitting down.
Told her it’s because I can’t stand doing it.
I had a dream that I was making an offer on a house and it came with 12 kids. I asked the owner “why aren’t you taking all your children?” She replied “I don’t like them.”
I thought dreams weren’t supposed to make sense.
Oh, those stick figures on your car aren’t for the bike riders you hit?
*removes 14 stick figures from car*
i only got hired to babysit one time and i let the kid drink from a puddle. well technically we both drank from the puddle
A faceplant is the ultimate fusion cuisine
“All I ever wanted to do is make a difference.” – Subtraction Man
I plan on spending the weekend in a vintage perfume ad (walking, staring, hair, wind).
I text my husband approximately 35 times per day with a rate of about 1 response per 5 texts.
Husband, after I put my phone down for 3 minutes and one “Hi” text from him goes unanswered:
HELLOOOOOOOOOO WHERE ARE YOU?!!??! HELLOOOOOOOOOO ARE YOU OK
I’d change my name to laundry if it meant you’d think about doing me every day.
To tree roots that look remarkably like snakes:
You’re not funny.
I was looking up Licking County Animals (in Ohio) because they have a litter of hound puppies I wanted to share but let’s just say puppies weren’t in the results.
me: [throwing pebbles in the sea]
fred flintstone: NOOOOOOOO
Alcohol because no great conversation ever started over a salad !
The last 3 minutes of any podcast could all be confessions to murder and we’d never know
Waterbeds are for people who want to get sea sick at home.
Woman on bus just pulled her mask down to cough.
Wife: our daughter can’t find her physics book.
Me: just tell her to use the force lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you took it so you could make a Star Wars joke didn’t you?
Me: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
My wife is terrified of thunderstorms. The banging outside the window is horrendous, but if we let her in she’ll just get the dog all wet.
3 day weekend: *exists*
Americans:
When I see a guy sleeping on an unfolded cardboard box, I never know if he’s homeless or just tired from breakdancing.
The next time there’s an awkward silence, try whispering, “Did you forget your line?”
Beyonce: ‘Who run the world?’ Generally people who have at least a basic understanding of grammar.
If the future is now, then how come the pizza I’m gonna order later isn’t here yet?
I bet the kids who TP’d my yard last night and didn’t know that toilet paper was on my grocery list, feel pretty stupid right about now
Castro: I will not die until America is destroyed
Trump: I’m gonna be the president
Castro: well then
Wife: Well, they say a mirror adds ten pounds.
Me: That’s a cam-
Wife: …
Me: Yes. Yes they do.
Things we didnt do
-Start the fire
-Shoot the deputyThings we did do
-Tried to fight it
-Shot the Sheriff
-Built this city on Rock and RollThings we will do
-Survive
-Rock YouThings we wont do
-Get fooled again
-Back Down
-That
-Give You Up
-Let you down
-Desert you
me: [sits bolt upright in bed]
usain: stop doing that
lmao