First zoom call: wears business casual, styles hair, places orchid in view of camera
Latest zoom call: Holding a beer at 9am, wearing Biore strip, blood on shirt, do not know whose
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Messaging my hair person to make an appointment for sometime in the week and finding out they are now based in the UK….
My oldest boy struggled with the lighter when shooting fireworks, but my 9 year old mastered it quickly, I don’t know whether to be proud or concerned.
Seeing my kids getting along, laughing, and peacefully playing together is the best fourteen seconds of my day.
What did the teddy bear eat for dinner?
Nothing. He was STUFFED!
a restaurant that rubs your shoulders while you eat mashed potatoes
*First day as a boxing cornerman*
Me: So did you guys even try to talk this out first or what
“it must’ve gone to my spam folder” and other lies I tell at work
iPhone X
Me: I need to see a supervisor
Hat Shop Employee: Excellent choice, Ma’am
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person says: hi
Unless you and your family were attacked by Bigfoot, then no, I don’t want to see your camping pictures.
They say there’s no such thing as a stupid question but then they’ll go and wake you up to ask if you’re asleep.
Please do not ask a bookworm if they are going to finish the books they have before buying more. It is very offensive in our culture.
What has 15 actors, 4 settings, 2 writers and 1 plot line?
632 Hallmark Christmas movies.
Son: Mom fell thru the ice!
Dad: Grab a new box of cereal!
*Opens bottom of box*
Mom [bursting through ice]: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
Good luck robbing my house. My home security system is LEGOs on the floor.
Remember that it’s “i before e” …
Except when feigning a heist on a
weird, feisty, beige foreign neighbor.
When you get a 3D printer, don’t mess around. Go straight to printing money.
ME WATCHING OLYMPIC EVENT: “Holy shit that was amazing!”
COMMENTATOR: “Ooh, that was not good at all. He must really be upset with himself.”
Directions: avoid contact with eyes
“It’s Ok, Shampoo, I feel shy sometimes too.”
My nine year old stayed home with me today. The time is 11:30 am.
She has spoken more words today than I did in December.
[meteor hitting earth]
Dinosaur: oh no the economy !!
It’s kind of an ongoing competition between me and this cactus to see who can drink less water
Dodo, a bird, an extinct bird
Ray, a pancake from the sea
May, a fly that lives one day
Fox, tells lies on my TV
bf took me to get undies n he wanted to embarrass me so he said real loud: “i can’t wait to rip these off with my teeth” n i replied with: “seriously u need to stop, ur my brother”
i won
Boy George: Do You Really Want To Hurt Me?
2020: Haha you have no idea.
If you ever want to defeat your enemy in battle, just throw a waterlogged nerf football at their head.
Isn’t that the name of the guy that played Sherlock Holmes?
Taking out my contact lenses after eating Buffalo wings will always make me dance.