COP: Tell me what you saw
ME: Jersey Boys
COP: *sighs* at the crime scene
ME: No, at the theatre
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“I love potatoes! They are delicious and so versatile. If only they could get me laid…”
-how vodka was born
Airport beers are great because it means you are traveling and also that you hate your own money
WIFE: How do you feel about Hawaiian pizza?
ME, sipping my pineapple spice latte: I think you know
a cool way to answer the phone is “dracula?” and when they tell you who is actually calling you say “okay phew”
Some parents are blessed with amazing kids and others have kids that decide to learn the trumpet.
I’ve never been #BackToTheFuture , but my mom always used to promise me she’d knock me into next week if I didn’t behave.
Ever notice how pathetically lonely you are when the person in the next bathroom stall completely ignores your knock knock joke?
Sometimes, I like to establish dominance over my shorter friends by telling them we need to hurry, and then climbing up a staircase, two steps at a time.
Co-worker insists on talking with his mouth full. No one can ever understand him. Wish we had a dentist was in the house to interpret.
Asked my 6-year-old what she wants for Christmas and she said “a toy chicken that’s taller than Anthony” so now I can’t even finish my shopping until I track down this Anthony and find out how tall he is. Why can’t she just want a bike?
Who’s the idiot that called it “The Wizard of Oz” and not “The Flair Witch Project”?
Holiday tip: remember, you only have a few days left to drop out of people’s lives to avoid buying gifts. You’re welcome.
me: I invited colin for dinner tomorrow
her: is that the guy that always gets the day wrong?
*knock at the door*
me: yes
You guys ever see the Malaysian Matrix
We don’t know what’s in the vaccine. Could be anything. Microchips? Sure. Toxins? Maybe. Predatory birds? Definitely. This is all a plot to fill us full of falcons because the CDC is in the pocket of Big Talon.
[Me, on my deathbed]
Wife: Is that what you’re going to wear?
China over there sending us Valentines day balloons to woo us amd we just shoot them down and enemy-zone them.
Rapidly approaching the tipping point at which “I’ll never be able to finish this WHOLE burrito bowl!” becomes “I should order another burrito bowl, shouldn’t I”
You’ve got some nerve
~my dogs, to anyone who walks by our window
HER: my water broke
ME: [looking at my ice cream scoop on the ground] we all have our issues
People in Arab nations are still wondering what all the western world hub bub about hump day and camel toe is about.
“Found” a nest of ground bees
and got stung multiple times.But I was able to remove all the stingers.
So yes, my pullout game is strong.
I’ve never seen Die Hard but I assume it’s about a dude who dies during sex?
My kids are young, so when they listen to old school music they think its new. They are currently listening to a hot new band called Queen.
As the rain pelts down on the window I am simultaneously happy I don’t have to go water the garden and pissed because I just washed the car.
You know how sometimes girls wear fake glasses because they think it makes them look cute? I’m going to wear a fake monocle so people will think I’m evil
My dog’s the one that’s getting chonky, so why do I have to exercise too?
“I can’t feel my legs”
–mermaids
I once dated a girl so my pet rock wouldn’t be embarrassed after he threw himself at her window.
Bees always go straight for your Coke can because their Mom doesn’t let them have sugary drinks at home.