CDC: Fully vaccinated people can safely gather indoors and hug.
Me: Gross.
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My biggest fear is getting a 200 page email that ends with “Thoughts?”
[Throwing a ball for my dog]
Dog: I’m not wearing the gown though
I’ve started insulting people exclusively with bird names, if you don’t like it then cope you red breasted nuthatch
Wore a push up bra to work today and now I can’t see my keyboard.
I don’t think people in real life will recognize me from my avi. Usually when they see me, I’m not wearing sunglasses or clothes.
WIFE: Kate’s new baby is 7lbs 11oz
ME:
WIFE: Roughly ½ a stone
ME:
WIFE: 3½ kilos
ME:
WIFE: [sigh] a four pack of beer
ME: Oh cool
“Oh shit I murdered someone”
“You should turn yourself into the police”
“Great idea!” *puts on badge and hat* “Looks like a suicide to me”
If the government keeps doing nothing for much longer, it will get its own reality show on E!
me: officer there’s a suspicious looking van parked outside
cop: does it look shady?
me: yeah it’s actually a pretty good parking spot
[shooting a bow & arrow in the library] i’m allowed to do this because it’s quiet
Everyone is unique.
Except you.
You are not unique.
You are the only not unique person in human history.
Pilots just fly straight into them clouds init, they don’t even know what’s in them. Could be bricks
Do you think the earth is flat? Blink once for no, have a lobotomy for yes.
I must have more than ten fingers because I broke like 17 nails today
I come from a time when my belly was flat and my TV was fat
Now my TV is flat and my belly is…OOOOO LOOK OREO’s
I’ve been through a lot in this last month, but by far the most horrific thing to happen to me was broccoli on pizza. Never again.
The best books are the ones that no matter how many times you burn them or bury them in the woods, they always wind up next to your bed.
Me: I need the other guy
Him: I’m the head surgeon
Me: [with a broken foot] exactly
Scientists please just tell us when the world is gonna end so I can stop working out
Want to stop getting invited to parties? Be a nonchalant double dipper.
It’s that simple.
cop: are you sure your identity’s been stolen
: very
*shouting like a carnival barker* Worry, worry, worry!
My advice for new parents is that when you feed your child their first chicken nugget to go ahead and start preparing your answer to the question “is this chicken like the animal chicken?” cause that moment is coming.
in a world where big data threatens to commodify our lives,. telling online surveys that i “Dont know” what pringles are constitutes Heroism
my phone: here’s a
n o t i f i c a t i o nme: not now my little radiation rectangle, not now
A Vampire Bat is easy to spot due to its funny accent and little silk cape
If you read the bible in reverse, it’s about the world’s population killing each other until there’s only 2 people left, and then the woman pukes an apple and they both get naked.
[driving home from party]
Wife: That was so embarrassingMe: I said I’m useless at remembering people’s names
Wife: It’s Amy
Me: Yes I know that now, Amy
Send prayers. Laura on Facebook didn’t realize she was out of syrup until AFTER the pancakes were made! It’s causing quite a stir…