I’m very sorry for your loss, but do you know if this funeral home has wi-fi?
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At Walmart checkout other day:Cashier: “you have a dog?” Scanning dog food.Hubz: No, our kid needs the protein.
*trying to awkwardly start a conversation with my barber* I ALSO like scissors.
My editor dislikes my use of contractions but it’s what it’s
When your printer uses up half your new ink cartridge aligning the print head. Well played printer companies.
[Life Pro Tips]
when considering crime, avoid anything that could add the prefix “international” to charges
I’m a writer because one time an English teacher read my dumb essay to the class as an example of how to write and I’ve been chasing that high of external yet ultimately meaningless validation ever since.
Breath escapes my broken body. I collapse amid dark, icy spears of pain. The fight’s done. It’s over.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: You’ve done 9 seconds
Please stop inviting me to exotic islands and hunting me for sport. It’s mean and it hurts my feelings
No One:
My Family: Please check the menu of this restaurant we’re going to eat at in six months and let us know what you want.
“Have you tried divorcing and restarting your marriage?”
– IT Department as marriage counselors
djs are so lazy man. been listening to mixes all morning and they’re all using the same carbon monoxide alarm sample faintly in the background
*drops exactly one thinly-sliced piece of ham in each child’s Halloween bag*
Her: What do you look for in a relationship?
Me: A way out.
You give me something. It’s mainly indigestion and the creeps but that’s something.
Farmers are always so proud of themselves until you ask if they can put the milk back in the cow
My dad never missed an opportunity to work during a family vacation. I never understood why until I had kids.
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight,
Begging for my cat’s attention
We’re all McNuggets in search of the right dipping sauce.
*walks up to girl working on her laptop in a cafe*
So you into computers?
[magic school bus]
KID: where are we going today
MS. FRIZZLE: the zoo
KID: but last week we went to SPACE
MS. FRIZZLE: im hungover, children
friends who just got married: We were kind of hoping you’d stick to the registry.
me *crestfallen*: you don’t like the jukebox of screams?
Why did they call it ‘Rambo: First Blood Part 2’ instead of ‘Rambo: Second Blood’? That’s some bullshit right there.
Kids follow me into every room: Come on guys, give me space
Dog follows me into every room: Awww whOoos mamas lil sidekick
this husky was supposed to learn how to swim, but discovered that she could just float instead
(jukin media)
Got flagged by airport security because my son had a Magic 8 Ball in his backpack. Two TSA agents debated whether it was ok. My husband said, “If only we had a simple way to answer a yes or no question…” Crickets.
I would most likely die like 45 minutes into a zombie apocalypse, and even more likely it would not be zombie apocalypse related.
Internal me: Gurrrrl, you are being crazy. Reign it in.
Actual me: So I just need to say one thing…
son: can I borrow your tie for my interview
dad: my what
son: I need a tie
dad: one more time
son: *sighs* your business necklace
what if everything that’s happened lately is just an elaborate ruse to put The Onion out of business
Parenting is letting the kids fight it out over who showers first while you sneak away to take your own shower without interruption.