an impostor shall come to you
he shall speak pleasing words and promise you the world
but in his name you shall know him a fraud
You Might Also Like
“The name is Bond, Ja-”
– “Savings Bond?”
“No”
– “Chemical Bond?”
“NO!”
– “Autobahn?”
“You know you’re totally ruining this for me”
who called it a toilet and not an IP address
Forgetting your manners in the south is ma’amnesia
First person ever: I HAVE SEVERAL HOLES IN MY FACE WHAT IS HAPPENING
Smooth, elegant, complex and full-bodied. But enough about me, this wine is fantastic.
Not everyone realizes this, but if you clean the pile of receipts out of a purse and stack them together, it makes a teeny tiny book about why you’re broke.
Today, my 3 year-old yelled at me because I forgot to close the fridge, then reminded me to turn off the kitchen light.
He just needs to fall asleep during a movie and his transformation into me would be complete.
Wait what do you mean Jesus loves me? Did he say something to you? OMG I’m freaking out right now tell me his exact words.
My cat: Meow
Me: Come here.
My cat: MEOW!
Me: You can’t complain about lack of attention AND not come here. Pick a struggle and stick to it.
Spy movies are unrealistic because no one could keep a secret for that long. The moment I got CIA clearance I would text my best friend like “ok so you can’t tell anyone this”
On average, a person has sex 86 times a year. Apparently, this is going to be one hell of a week.
every time the weather starts to warm up those fraps start lookin goooood
The Purge: Valentine’s Day
I wish I loved anything as much as fitbit loves not giving me credit for all the steps I walked whilst looking for my lost fitbit.
one of the funniest things in the universe is lmfao making an album called “party rock”, followed by an album called “sorry for party rocking”, followed by them vanishing off of the face of the earth
Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.
Getting emails texts and calls from school during the school year: WHAT DO THEY WANT NOW??
Getting emails, texts and calls from school in August: IS IT STARTING EARLY?! CAN I TAKE HER NOW??!
I’m just a girl
standing in front of a pizza
asking it to not have carbs.
“The Godfather” teaches us that:
1. Nothing is more important than family and
2. Our families are always trying to kill us.
Ghosting someone sounds like a euphemism for murder.
Albus pretended it didn’t bother him, but late at night, he wept in his chambers. He hated when the students called him “Dumblefag.”
[Fat lady goes to the zoo]
Zebra – What the hell is she wearing?
Bear – It looks like your mom
Laser hair removal? If I had laser hair I’d be using it for evil, believe me.
I feel kinda affronted you expect me to make these serious decisions in such a short time
Optometrist sighing: Once again, Is it A or B?
Nancy Drew and the mystery of the seven minute stroller nap delaying bedtime by two hours
Job interviewer: What are your strengths?
Me: Is the next question going to be about weaknesses?
JI: Yes.
Me: I’m very perceptive.
I’ve seen The Blair Witch Project and that’s all I need to know about camping.
If your cat brings home a dead bird and presents it to you, don’t be rude. Take a little bite.
Is it me or do the unread books in the bookstore just seem shinier than the unread books at home?