It’s funny how when you’re at work, “Go to hell” comes out as “No problem.”
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If you want your uninvited guests to leave, seat them comfortably in the basement, then go upstairs and watch TV.
Breaking up
(be mature, be mature, be mature)
Me: (eating chips) you can’t use the carpool lane anymore.
Sometimes I make myself feel important by thinking in a British accent.
Drops a case of canned beer down the steps before bringing them to your BBQ
Me: What are my choices again?
Pollster: Donald Trump…
Me: Or?
Pollster: Puppymonkeybaby.
Me: …
Pollster: Well?
Me: I’m thinking.
I’ve received so many Christmas cards from people I don’t know this year, probably because they weren’t addressed to me.
To the 4 people today who tried to prank me and failed, eat it jerks. To the 13 who succeeded, guys can u pls delete the photos of me crying
Him: Favorite workout? Me: Pilates. Him: Why? Me: Because we lay down for an hour.
[going to bed]
Wife: I don’t have to get up so don’t wake me in the morning.
Me: Okay.[5 AM the next morning]
Me [waking wife up]: Hey I forget what you told me to do today.
My daughter likes to give me her failed artwork, claiming it was made with all her love just for me. Then she grabs a new piece of paper to make her drawing better and keeps that for herself. Well played, little one. Well played.
A bright side to having kids is that if I’m ever trapped in my car I have 3 years worth of half-empty water bottles and goldfish to live on.
So hot these last few days I’ve consumed 1,473,968 gallons of water and only peed 3 times
me: if you love something, set it free
wife: [stopping me from releasing our baby into the wild] don’t
Guy at Q&A when there’s only 2 minutes for questions: hi! First of all I just wanted to say thank you so much for sharing this amazing work of art with all of us, I can easily say we’re all honored to be able to see this film in such a great venue. Let’s give it up for the staff…
Doctor: Please step on the scale
Me: No weigh
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now.
Me: *applying camouflage paint* I very much doubt that.
thought we’d see more kids named goku by now
Im not lazy, I keep my windows dirty because I care for bird safety.
ME: wanna sing a Christmas carol?
KIDS: YES!
ME: then go outside
I hate when people ask me HOW I am doing as if I KNOW THE ANSWER?!
Dear prisoners: How about liquid soap?
You’re welcome.
If I was a princess I’d wanna be rapunzel so I could get locked in a tower and get my hair pulled.
Her: Hi! How’ve you been?
Me: Great! You?
Her: So good! Family?
Me: Great! Yours?
Her: Good!
Me: Let’s catch up soon.
Her: Definitely! Call me.Husband: Who was that?
Me: I have no idea.
so long suckers! i rev up my motorcylce and create a huge cloud of smoke. when the cloud dissipates im lying completely dead on the pavement
ME: My goal is to be king, like my dad.
HER: That’s amazing. Of what country?
ME: It was his goal, Linda. And now it’s mine.
[The Last Airbender, nervous on a date]
*breaks wind*
Ope, excuse me. I’m a little out of my element here.
Die Hard (1988) A shoeless New Yorker murders a bunch of people at his wife’s office Christmas party.
For valentine’s day, I’m taking my wife to see “50 Shades”.
How long is the movie? I need to know what time to pick her up.