Priest: look son, I think you should kick the habit
Me: ok
*nun screams*
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“I want the box where I poop to smell like my poop or else I won’t want to poop there. Whoa whoa, not THAT much like my poop! Jesus!” – cats
HIM: promise you won’t tell anyone?
ME: yeah! [under my breath] except my best friend
HIM: what?
ME: nothing! [whispering] there is a hierarchy of loyalty and your position on that hierarchy is low
HIM: what did you say?
ME: that ur secret’s safe with me 🙂
Why was Bezos rocket named Blue Origin and not Shuttlecock?
I strike a fierce pose for the camera, then another, and another.
“Can…can you just stand still?” the x-ray technician asks sadly.
SON: Can I have a cookie?
ME: Ask nicer.
SON: May I please have a cookie?
ME: Like a Canadian.
SON: So sorry, could I please trouble you for one of your delicious cookies, good sir, eh? It’s okay if you say no. There’s probably a more deserving child.
ME: *hands over cookie*
You left the milk out so I burnt all your clothes. Welcome to an adult relationship.
morpheus: take the blue pill AND the red pill and i’ll show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
me: they both taste exactly the same
morpheus: *waving skittles packet* RIGHT?
me: OH MY GOD
Had a little meltdown at work yesterday, so the upside is that everyone will be afraid to talk to me for awhile.
Pundit being interviewed on the BBC re Windsor Castle: “The Queen and Prince Philip would be here when they weren’t elsewhere.” And you can’t argue with that.
No one is more productive than a guy who’s been laying on the couch for two hours and suddenly realizes his wife will be home in 5 minutes.
I’m not vegetarian but there are certain animals I refuse to eat:
– rabbit
– raccoon
– most kinds of bear
– moth
– Mothman
– bee (but wasp is okay)
– coconut
– whatever animal “bologna” is from
If you didn’t wanna hear “Baby smell is biology preventing the mom from eating it,” you shouldn’t have invited me to the baby shower, Carol!
It still bothers me that airplanes aren’t called skyscrapers
My son will never know the thrill of illegally downloading Thong Song on napster and waiting 1h39m for it to download
Oh my god gurrrll, he said WHAT? Told you men are trash now did I, alright gimme the tea!
Studio Apartment Available:
– Pet-friendly
– Located next to bridge
– No strings attached
There should be LEGO movies of everything. LEGO Die Hard. LEGO John Wick. Hell I’d even watch LEGO 50 Shades of Grey.
[inventor of the piano]
Tables aren’t noisy enough.
Hell hath no fury like that of a woman waiting for you to reply to her text all the while she sees you’re continuing to send tweets.
Me: Tonight we dine like kings!
*checks wallet*
Me: Like burger kings!
The house from Hansel and Gretel but made out of tacos.
It’s not a family vacation until someone threatens to throw a prized possession from a moving vehicle.
“I could really use a side piece” was a phrase I uttered that didn’t help my jigsaw puzzle or my marriage.
[Pokémon Pitch]
Writer: pet training with wild animals
Exec: thats already a thing
Writer: kids are the trainers
Exec: seems irresponsible
Writer: they keep them in magic balls until it’s time to fight for scout badges or something
Exec: why
Writer: unclear
Exec: tight
My teen said “if you don’t like the way I’m doing the dishes, then do them yourself,” and lived to tell the tale.
[in heaven after crucifixion]
jesus: “they were horrible dad, im pleased im not going back there”
god: [rubbing his neck] “see the thing is”
in ratatouille 2 we find out that the secret to remy’s talent was a flea named jacques who lived on his head and controlled him by tugging at his individual hairs
I am a fountain of wisdom for those who thirst for knowledge.
Help me practice my knife throwing skills.
You catch.
Just went outside for 10 mins and the mosquitoes treated me like I was fresh eggs at a continental breakfast