*montage of me teaching a penguin to do everything my son Brian can do*
Wife: Where’s Brian?
Me: [studying her closely] He’s… right here?
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idk who needs to hear this but if you ever need to move a lamb over a wall, here u go
cop searching my car and finding little notes i hid everywhere that say i love the police
The Punning Dead.
You don’t love me? Don’t worry, the first step is denial.
People are like, “I thought about what you said…” and my first thought is always, “Oh no.”
[during sex]
Me: So do you LIKE like me or
I’m not saying my doctor is young, but he just texted me “2mer is B-9, woot!”
A friend of mine is thankful she won a position on the PTA board and now we can’t be friends.
The number of Piña coladas I drank on vacation is this (my daughter doesn’t want to cruise with me again) many.
Good point.
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
Tell them how you feel about them and if they don’t feel the same way, pretend you’re drunk and thought they were someone else.
Come back tomorrow for more advice on romance. Not from me though, I don’t have time for that shit.
COP: License and registration.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: License, please.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: I’m not gonna ask again.
BATMAN: I’m Bat-
COP: Alright, hands on the car.
BATMAN: Batmobile.
chips are basically like “do you want to eat a potato one page at a time”
I’d love to meet up with you but my squirrel says it’s a bad idea and I always listen to her
This looks nothing like what I ordered…
WTF is this????
Apparently, autocorrect wants me to get my shirt together.
“But you can’t—“
“Shhh. Hush, my love. It pains me as much as it does you. We burned so hot and so bright, but in the end, we knew this day would come. Look at you and look at me. Our religions forbid this.”
when a bird is walking around on its little bird legs. it’s mocking you. it’s saying this is you. this is what you look like.
The easiest way to woo a girl is show up to her door with a loaf of garlic bread
Is it “raymen” noodles or “rawmun” noodles? I don’t wanna sound stupid when asking the gas station clerk for a wine to complement my dinner.
Always remember…. A mirror never lies.
(Fatty)
I dunno will I understand the new Fast & Furious if I haven’t seen the previous 47?
I may regret eating so many deviled eggs this weekend, but my family will regret it more.
Mother’s maiden name: Mom
Mother’s first name: Mom
Mother’s last name: MomWhy do they even asks such dumb questions?
DO NOT ATTEMPT TO SURGICALLY CHANGE YOUR SON’S BONES TO STEEL LIKE WOLVERINE. THERE WILL BE A LOT OF QUESTIONS.
“Bears are omnivores so if you think about it, eating porridge makes perfect sense.”
my date: *heavy sigh* “Ok. Do you have a second favorite book?”
Just how popey was the pope today?
Pretty majorly caught up in this whole Olympics thing.. ran up the stairs earlier.
No, these are my formal Crocs. We’re at a wedding, Sharon.