When life hands you a komodo dragon suddenly the times you got lemons seem pretty cool.
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Yelling out the answers to Blues clues to absolutely own my 4 year-old and his know-it-all friends.
I’d like to announce that in 2020 I’ll be running for John Mayer.
Just gonna catch up and tackle him.
Just heard local reports of a stalker, which is funny because I watch everyone through their windows and none of them look suspicious
*Watching Friday the 13th VII*
GF: This is the 7TH TIME a bunch of kids were murdered at that camp?
Me: Yeah.
GF: You’d think someone would have put up a sign by now.
[Interview with a time traveller]
“What’s life like in the year 3000?”It’s pretty much the same as 2015 but you can download a towel
*Looks around nervously* The steam from my pasta is ungluing my chest hair toupee and the other mafia bosses are taking notice.
“i want a liquid in my mouth but i want it to arrive in a tiny tunnel” – inventor of the straw
As an adult you should already know shit like if you’re standing in the rain you should wear a rain coat and if you’re standing in a trench, you should wear a trench coat
I cannot picture a single instance where I’d be scared of a zombie called “Rob”
What’s he gonna do? Show up uninvited to brunch and make us wonder if he’ll be rude to the server again?
Ok fella, maybe you can scare me into buying your over priced insurance policies this time.
How’s virtual school going for you? I’ll start.
My son was late to his PE class because he was making nachos.
When the boss says you have five minutes for lunch.
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…a raise?
HR: You know we monitor internet usage right?
Me: I’d like to report a hacking!
“Sandwich artist” is a bit pretentious sir when you’re actually a subcontractor.
[god inventing cows]
angels: why?
god: cheese
angels: *nodding* cheese
My kids are very optimistic. Every glass they leave sitting around the house is at least half full.
Husband is watching a Hunger Games movie marathon with the kids.
Little does he know that while he’s at work all day, I LIVE the Hunger Games with these people. And it’s definitely a marathon.
I hate it when my wife wakes me up at the crack of dawn just to tell me my alarm woke her up.
Me: why aren’t you studying?
My kid: I didn’t see you coming.
me: I’m having hearing issues
doctor: can you describe the symptoms?
me: it’s a tv show about a family from springfield
when the doctor brings med students into your exam
It was the kind of movie that kept you on the edge of your seat, waiting for something interesting to happen.
I feel a special bond w/ ppl that always pop up in my ‘May Know’ Facebook window. Like u see me,I see u &we’ve both agreed not to be friends
ME: *barging into office* Now hear me out
DENTIST: You again? No I can’t make your teeth taste like chips
ME: *being carried out by 2 hygienists* CAN’T OR WON’T
Me: [to 15 yr old] “You already eat?”
15: “ya”
Me: “What colour’d you use?”
15: “I used orange.”
Me: “Cool. I’ll use a white.”
– mac n cheese has it’s own language.
[god designing humans]
Angel: there was a mix-up at the factory. The intestines are way too long
God: *stuffing em all in there* I got this
It’s ok. I killed the oregano flake on the counter.
Another previously unknown dinosaur was the Thesaurus who used flowery language to confuse and disorient predators while he made his escape
My screensaver is a screenshot of a bunch of spreadsheets so my boss doesn’t notice when I haven’t moved my mouse in an hour.
Mugger: Hand over your wallet or else!
Me: *wearing a deodorant that promises 48 hour protection* Or else what?