My 11 y/o daughter just read a children’s book about the Great Depression and would like the record to reflect that she felt cheated because “there was nothing ‘Great’ about it.”
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God only gives you what you can handle. Really? Because I’m pretty sure I could handle way more money.
Goldfish are the only pets with the decency to die just as the novelty wears off.
. : can i have that?
me: have what?
: : thanks
me. wait
⠸ : yoink
me stop that
I watch football on a dodgy box but follow the match on twitter. There is about a 1 minute delay with the dodgy box so I give my prediction to my son as to who will score next. My record is 100% and my son thinks I’m a genius.
me: [slides bank teller a note]
bank teller: what’s a “roblery”
Goodnight moon, goodnight stars, goodnight perfectly normal Purple Rain album cover where Prince’s eyes follow u across the room
My girlfriend wants me to stain the new wooden fence in her backyard. So I’m going to eat spaghetti over it for a few weeks
Who called it anxiety and not revenge of the nerves?
I blame our unhappy marriage on my wife mostly because of her poor choice in men.
My husband and I finished another Netflix show together so now we don’t have anything in common again.
Thought I was having the worst day a person could have and then heard the guy in the next stall whisper to himself, “Well, that can’t be good.”
[first date]
ME: I’m from a broken home.
HIM: When did your parents divorce?
ME: No, they were hoarders, and the second floor collapsed.
She looks like she does what the voices in her underwear tell her to do.
me: SHARK
lifeguard: omg where
me: lol sorry, that’s my dog’s name
*dog appears and drags lifeguard into the ocean*
me: it’s- *over screams* IT’S BECAUSE HE EATS PEOPLE
I admire women with the restraint to draw on their eyebrows. I wouldn’t be able to stop until I’d added glasses and a moustache.
me: time for some laundry 🙂
laundry machine: ok 🙂
me: ok time to dry 🙂
dryer: i’ve invented a new knot. it transcends humanity’s current understanding of geometry. and i am testing it for the first time on your sheets
mayor, handing me tissues: you do understand what a “town crier” is, yes?
My sister sent me a picture of us when we were teenagers with a caption “look how pretty you used to be”
Can you cross-breed tropical birds? I want to try, but I’ve got nothing toucan-parrot-too.
I just saw a birdbath gravestone, what a great idea, visitors for life..or death I should say
Them: You have a weird sense of style
Me: *takes off glasses* Rude
Them: But true
Me: *takes off second pair of glasses* Give me an example
You call it gossiping, I call it a love of knowledge
no one should have to work on Sundays till you pull up to the Taco Bell and it’s dark inside
Laundry needs to be put away.
I look at the basket.
The basket looks at me.
Old western shoot our music looms in the background.
I find that if I wear my snorkel gear when I go check the mail, the neighbors are far less chatty.
Marriage counsellor: What’s the problem?
Wife: He is so literal. It drives me mad.
MC: And how do you feel, Stephen?
Me: With my hands.
She went out this morning for milk and lovingly announced upon her return that she’d bought me two donuts, then when I wasn’t looking she unlovingly ate one.
shout out to the women in the hot dog eating contest who ate 2 dogs in 5 minutes… no competitive streak no urgency just taking the stage for a light lunch
WORD: wanna see paste options?
ME: no it’s fine
WORD: but check out these paste options
ME: pls move the box I can’t see the words behind it
WORD: 🙁
ME: fine there I looked now move the box
WORD: 🙂
ME: it’s still there
WORD: which was your favorite 😐