Apparently it’s ‘inappropriate’ to show up at your therapist’s home to swim in her new pool even though your ‘boundary issues’ paid for it.
You Might Also Like
[First Date. Full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
Cheerleaders are there to tell you that your team needs to score more points & the name of your team in case you forget at any given moment
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
Me, as a kid: Proud of myself for reading a 300 page book
Me, as an adult: Proud of myself for reading all 3 paragraphs of an email
I can’t do small talk I just asked the lady cutting my hair what she does for a living
My 6yo just stepped on a spider and thought she killed it, but it got up and scurried away. Her response? “Oh. My. God. It’s Spider Jesus.”
a house without a chimney should be called a nouse
I cannot imagine marrying my high school sweetheart, sorry but I’m not growing old with someone who knows what my eyebrows looked like in the early 2000s
It puts the lotion in the basket. Then it calls the wife to make sure it’s the right brand so it doesn’t get the hose again.
Alright pregnant ladies-this is YOUR BIG DAY!!!!!!
#LaborDay
Me: If I can stick to schedule I can get everything done just in time
Toddler: I WANNA HELP!
[the creation of nostalgia]
GOD: ok give the children all the happy feelings
ANGEL: okay
GOD: now as they age don’t let them recreate those feelings
ANGEL: uh—
GOD: make them hyper aware that they once had something they’ll never have again
ANGEL: dude what is your problem
Putting lotion on your hands and picking up your coffee cup is pretty damn stupid.
Next time you take your dog for a walk, dress like a cop & pretend to be searching the neighborhood for drugs.
My mom wants to see 50 Shades of Gray with me… I screamed, “OH HELL NO” and suggested we see Cinderella instead.
I will NEVER make the same mistake twice … In a row. They’re in rotation.
Please send thoughts and prayers to my cats, they shall surely never recover from the sound of the popcorn maker
I’m not helping to save the environment until bears let me ride them around like cars. It’s a group effort, bears.
The police sent me a photo radar ticket so I sent them a photo of a hundred dollars, so I guess we’re even.
Shout out to God for giving me the strength to walk away from stupid people without slapping them.
In Australia, pineapple upside down cake is called pineapple cake.
Studies suggests, 9 out of 10 men prefer a girl
with a big butt. The 10th man prefers the other 9
men.
Give me your crispy noodles and no one gets hurt.
“I keep waking up at 2:04 every night”
— my 7YO describing what I can only assume is the beginning of our family’s real-life horror story.
How come those cross species adoption videos are always cats or dogs raising baby birds? Just once I’d like to see a hawk enthusiastically barfing into a kittens mouth.
I’ll take a Friday the 13th over a Monday the 13th every single time.
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
[first date]
Date: So what do you do for a living?
Jesus: I’m a carpenter but my real passion is hosting self-help seminars.
My friend asked for suggestions for something short and funny to watch so I suggested my 12yo son.
I went out of town for a few days and came home to my dog who seems to want to have a word with me about it.