[Shopping with $100]
As a child: Look at how much stuff I can buy!
As an adult: Why is this bath towel $15?
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People say I have a dry sense of humor. So when you hate everyone the word to describe that is dry now I guess.
Everyone’s gangster until they have to carry a leaking compost bag to the bin outside.
Hotdogs contain nitrates that literally shave time off your life. Do you need any more proof that they are the ideal food
Therapist: Maybe you could try to be a little less hostile.
Me: Maybe you could stick a butter knife in a light socket.
Who else read this as a threatening Yoda?
Maybe next year… ☔️
#GreatBritishSummer #Rain
If you’ve figured out one woman then you’ve figured out one woman
If I reach 700 followers, I’m gonna tweet naked for the next hour. Won’t do much for you guys, but it’ll certainly liven up Starbucks.
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
[On couch, notices it’s 6pm]
Luckily I don’t have to pick up the kids from the Christmas party until 8.
*Notices it’s February*
OH SHIT
Dropped my Ant Farm and now the rug is like the first 30-minutes of Saving Private Ryan.
Good Cop: why is your baby crying
Mom: he just won’t take a nap
Pun Cop: looks like he’s
Good Cop: if u say resisting a rest i swear to god
Things will be fine, eventually, in thousands of years, for rocks
There is no situation where banana bread isn’t an appropriate gift. You got a promotion? Banana bread. Your dad is dead? Banana bread. You had a bad breakup? Banana bread. Aliens steal your body for experiments? BANANA BREAD.
I always make it a point to become friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
I took one of those DNA tests and found out I am 30% mashed potatoes.
9 applied hot sauce to his cheek to cure sunburn.
*crumples up applications to Yale, UCLA, community college
If I had a time machine, I’d go back and make better mistakes.
“I’m so tired of that little piece of cheese.”
-My gramma, talking about SpongeBob
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
(At My Funeral)
FRIEND: Of course he found a way to avoid paying me back my $20.
ME: *muted snickering from the casket*
1492
[DAY 6]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s an island, Chris.
[DAY 11]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s a dolphin, Chris.
{At America}
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: *Sigh* You know what? Fine. Sure Chris. You did it. That’s India.
you have 1 in a 50 million chance of being attacked by a shark which is comforting in the ocean but concerning in an elevator
Me *laying on my couch, flipping through health magazines*, “bet these workouts are a piece of cake.”
Jeff: I’m from New Jersey
Geoff: I’m from New Georsey
Dear Gym,
I feel we should have an honest relationship, so it’s only fair you should know…
I’m just using you to get into my own pants.
The less friends at your birthday party means more cake for you.
Follow me for more life hacks.
So what happens to the pizza at the end of a porn film?
*bedtime*
Me: What does Winnie sleep in?
10: Dad… no
Me: POOJAMAS!!
10: I’ll go straight to sleep if you’ll just stop.
Job interviewer: “Why do you want to join the Secret Service?”
Me: “It’s a secret.”
Job interviewer: “You got the job.”