i hate when you’re boiling an egg and it gets a crack in it and the egg’s ghost escapes. very scary and i don’t like it
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i don’t care if it will “benefit our community” stacy. i’m not gonna take off this garfield costume
If you give a man a fish you kinda suck at picking out gifts.
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
Whenever someone says, “Would you like your receipt?” I always say yes, because I want the guy at the drive-thru to think I’m writing off my Taco Bell expenses.
I logged back into Facebook for 5 minutes and now I have 3 scheduled fist fights, and my family disowned me.
But hey, Karen got a puppy!
TV Show Idea:
Speculation news.
A sort of news programme that uses a small amount of information and stretches it out for hours on end with absolutely no further facts other than speculation based on nothing at all, by self appointed experts in unrelated subjects.
[sipping hot orange juice] if you’re breaking up with me at least give me a reason
Boss: Dan why is your hand raised?
Me: can I go to the bathroom?
Boss: Dan you’re 23. This is a business meeting
Me: so that’s a yes?
*brakes hard*
*throws arm across passenger seat to protect pizza*
FRIEND: What’s the movie, where they bring that monster to life and then have to destroy it?
[at the same time]
HER: Frankenstein.
ME: Frosty the Snowman.
Thought I’d surprise her with that hitachi on her Amazon wish list but autocorrect changed it to hibachi…boy was she surprised.
8: [dragging the dog by her front legs]
me: don’t do that! Would you like it if I pulled you by your arms everywhere?
8: I don’t care
me: hm ok
Narrator: oh but he did care. He cared A LOT in fact.
A horror story:
You are enjoying a quiet night with a glass of wine on the couch when, suddenly, the phone rings.
That’s it that’s the whole story.
The thing that’s wrong with oatmeal raisin cookies is that they’re oatmeal raisin cookies.
I’m glad the Dentist calls me the day before to remind me to cancel my appointment.
Me (being murdered): hey I need to switch the laundry
Murderer (stops stabbing): oh dang you don’t want that stuff sitting in the washer
for lent one year, i decided to give up coffee, so i switched to sugar-free rockstar energy drinks instead and that’s when i realized that maybe religion wasn’t the right thing for me.
Remember when we thought “Any kid can grow up to be President” was a good thing?
*tucking t-shirt into tighty whities*
Time to seize the day.
When the sonographer says your ovaries look like the dark side of the moon, that’s good, right?
A hot guy at my job asked me if I had any plans and I told him 15 because I thought he said plants
Danger is my middle name. My parents were idiots.
doctor: this may hurt
me: june doesn’t look much better
I was asked to babysit once but it didn’t go very well.
You’re not meant to sit on them.
[In line at the store when my child has a meltdown]
A boomer in line behind me: that child could use some discipline-
Me: -but your generation has already used 𝘌𝘝𝘌𝘙𝘠𝘛𝘏𝘐𝘕𝘎 all up
i’m reading this thesaurus. it’s really interesting, or should i say… very interesting.
My daughter asked me why my grandfather was a racist, and if she has to become one too
I said it was because his parents didn’t raise him properly, and he was ignorant and full of hate
As she walked away crying I realized she was asking me how he became a race car driver
Date: “So, what do you want to be?”
Me: “Impressed.”
Me: Who drew the picture?
8: I can’t remember her name.
Me: You memorize 200 Pokémon but you don’t remember the kids names in class?
8: 213
Doctors recommend that you drink 8 glasses of water a day and don’t fall out of a helicopter