I do my civic duty. I vote, I give to charity, and when my teen wanted a Nirvana shirt, I made sure she knew who Nirvana was.
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KOHL’S: YOU SAVED $92 based on these arbitrarily high prices we made up!
ME: I am honestly just so blessed
What idiot called it an engagement ring instead of a Kneel Diamond?
You have a smile that could light up a whole psych ward. <3
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I have bad news
ME: can you tell me what it is
DOCTOR: no I’m still too scared
I think
Therefore I am
Tongue tied
[During sex]
Me: I know you want me to be “naughty”, but I can barely breathe in this Hamburglar costume.
My aunt said she was thankful for the best family in the world and I said “when are they coming?” and it MURDERED.
I’m a go-getter. I’ve started my New Year’s resolutions now so I can have them broken by Jan 1st
This guy told me he spoke Swedish and then spoke Swedish and tbh I have no way of knowing if he was lying.
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
*sees monster truck
*waves torch at it and chases it with a pitchfork
Babies are okay if you’re into alarm clocks that poop.
GRANDPARENTS: This used to be orange groves.
US: That used to be a Blockbuster.
KIDS IN THE FUTURE: All that used to not be underwater and also somehow on fire.
My girlfriend was bitten by a chicken. Now every full moon I’ll have to date a were-chicken.
When my kids don’t feel well: You should drink water.
When I don’t feel well: I should eat chips.
if you knew me before my 20s, you never actually knew me. you knew season 1 me. we were severely underfunded and the writing team was going through a lot.
[bedtime]
brain: hey remember that lost episode where the couple gets paralyzed DO THOSE SPIDERS LIVE NEAR US
me: SLEEP
brain: NO, GOOGLE IT
I got hooked on Italian food in high school after my dealer sold me a bag of oregano.
Imagine a baby named Edith. Exactly, you can’t because everyone named Edith quietly emerged from the woods at age 78 knitting an incredibly complicated afghan.
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
dinosaur: *seductively* are you a triceratops or a tricerabottom?
“Mommy, guess what song this is!”
{Horrid shrieking on plastic harmonica}Um Twinkle Twinkle Little Star?
“No try again”
{Murder sounds}Ring Around the Rosie?
“No no, really listen!”
{My ears begin to bleed}(Voice quivering) Happy Birthday?
“Yes!”
(I begin to cry)
love when my grandparents tell me the story of how they met and got together because suddenly I find myself googling things like “statute of limitations India” “how to report a crime from 1942” “can I report a crime in India if I live in America”.
My skin is so dry that I can’t tell if it’s kidding.
The easiest way to bust outta the joint is to methodically carve a bar of soap from a gun you purloined from a deputy, & then throw the fake soap onto the floor of your cell. When the guard comes to pick it up (it’s a safety hazard), simply run past them & away to the mountains
I think about wizards and dragons way more than a wizard of 3 small dragons should. Dammit I meant mother of 3 small dragons. Dammit I meant
It takes only one person in this world to make you smile. It’s called a plastic surgeon.
heres law school: “sustained” is basically “settle down beavis.” “overruled” also means “settle down beavis,” but to the other guy instead
My eyesight is so bad that, after I took my contacts out last night, I chatted to my cat for 5 mins before I realised it was my handbag.