Got so drunk last night that I was able to translate three Pearl Jam albums into English
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TRUTHFUL TUESDAY:
When my son was 7 he pissed me off so badly I pressed all the elevator buttons knowing every new rider would blame him.
Me: I’m nervous about this interview
Mom: Just focus on the interviewer and answer the questions
Me: That’s a good idea
Interviewer: It is a good idea
Always crush and snort your first pill on the pharmacy counter to make sure they’re not passing you some fake shit.
Writing a letter to Santa now because I don’t wanna seem like one of those friends that only reaches out when I want something
People don’t frolic enough anymore.
FROLIC YOU PIECES OF SHIT
I was going to pay $100/hour to see a psychic, but fortunately I found a huge bag of fortune cookies for $18.50 instead.
My 7yr old fell and I wanted to say “Are you okay? Be careful.” Instead it came out at as “Are you careful?” That answer would be an obvious no.
A good woman is like home WiFi: Full of knowledge. Always there for you. Used by your roommate WHEN YOU’RE NOT THERE THAT’S RIGHT AMY I KNOW
That’s me at the corner, that’s me at the stoplight choosing no collision
-Michael Stipe selling auto insurance
[Approaches table]
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Him: This is an AA meeting.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Can I buy you some drugs?
4-year-old: Why does the dog pee on stuff?
Me: It’s like writing his name on it.
4: So I-
Me: YOU HAVE TO USE PENCILS.
If someone offers you nuts by asking “Cashews?” and you don’t answer “God bless you” they will take away your dad card.
Exoskeleton: how a skeleton signs a Valentine’s Day card
Hormones: hey what’s up?
Me: just reading a book.
Hormones: LET’S GET ANGRY.
Me: wait no—
Hormones: AND CRY.
Me [drunk]: gimme a bloody mary
Employee: sir, this is a haunted house
Me: m’bad. Gimme a bloody mary bloody mary bloody mary
Twitter should come with a “MAY CONTAIN NUTS” warning when you open the app.
maybe less RPGs would be about killing god if gods stopped playing absolutely banging tunes whenever someone tries to kill them
MAYOR: I now present you a key to the city
ME: So long, suckers!
*hops in city and drives away*
MAYOR: Come back! I need that for work!
“Don’t move or she’s dead” was the last thing the wife heard before the husband started tap dancing.
surgeon: we’re only allowing family right now
olive garden waitstaff: yeah that’s why we’re here
“You the bomb” “No you the bomb”….- A compliment in America.An argument in the Middle East.
can’t talk my ride’s here
[4 hours later]
Tyler Durden: And the 351st rule of Fight Club is you absolutely CANNOT substitute baking powder with baking soda when making pancakes
When she stops crying and gets really quiet, keep your guard up. You’re experiencing what scientists refer to as “the eye of the shitstorm.”
At my age, if the wife wants to have fun, scrabble is coming out.
Yes I carry a briefcase chained to my wrist in the airport. No one is stealing my travel cheese.
*first day as a firefighter*
I don’t think this place is open for lunch, it’s on fire
PATIENT: I’ve been so stressed out lately. What can I do?
DR DOG (tail wagging like crazy): Studies show that petting dogs relieve stress
Optimism [op-tuh-miz-uh m] noun
Brushing your teeth before bed, knowing damn well you have a 1/2 sleeve of Thin Mints on your nightstand.