“google d-dildoes…” i whisper to siri “GOOGLIN BIG OL DILDOES!!” screams the phone, smashing windows in a 9mile radius & flipping over cars
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*1941 movie pitch*
“So it’s about an elephant w/big ears and we call him stupid then torture his mother.”
Walt Disney, “I smell a winner.”
Shah Jahan built the Taj Mahal as a tribute to his wife but sure, the book shelf looks great.
Someone gave my boyfriend a book about men getting the upper hand in relationships and I told him to let me read it since he knows how much I love fiction
WARNING: Ham radios taste nothing like ham!
Sometimes the last thing people hear before they’re murdered is the sound of their pen that they won’t stop clicking.
“What are you going to be when you grow up?”
Tired.
The answer is tired.
After 23 years together my wife asked me why I test out couches by laying on them. It’s like she doesn’t even know my track record by now
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
I break it to my toddler that “L-M-N-O-P” is not one letter, but 5. And we’re going to have to learn every one of those effing bad boys. She is aghast. I calmly assure her this isn’t the first time she’ll be disappointed upon learning the “real” lyrics to a song she likes.
I can’t stop thinking about this shirt
5 SECONDS AGO!
What do we want?
TIME TRAVEL JOKES!
When do we want them?
[visiting hours at prison]
BEAR WIFE: How are you coping?
BEAR: I miss the woods.
BW: The tranquility?
BEAR: No, I really need a shit.
I’m 37 and from the Midwest, every man I know is named Matthew, I’m going to need you to be more specific.
-Me when my mom say she saw Matthew today.
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: ugh yeah the spacing wouldn’t format properly
Interviewer: OMG I hate that
Hello, I dinged your car. The people watching me leave this note probably think I’m leaving you my name & number.
Signed, Guess Who.
[job interview]
“any public speaking experience?”
not since the valedictorian speech in high school
“very impressive”
I yelled ‘YOU SUCK’
[Congress]
MARK ZUCKERBERG: if you do not harvest your crops in a timely manner on Farmville they will die, I cannot stress this enough
I’m not a fan of having things on my wrist but I’d definitely get the Apple iCarceration ankle monitor
*exorcism*
DEMON: *roars*
PRIEST: we must restrain him!
WIFE: *opens drawer* here! *tosses fuzzy pink handcuffs*
PRIEST: …
DEMON: hey now
ME: i can’t wait for the game of thrones series finale!
FRIEND: oh i didn’t know you watched game of thrones
ME: i don’t
I don’t get people who stay virgins until after marriage. Its like buying a car without having sex with it first
Honk if you love Jesus. Text while driving if you’d like to meet Him.
If you’re trying to woo me without food… let me stop you right there.
I just got a text message asking me to rate my Anesthesiologist during last week’s heart procedure. I’m like, “How should I know?”🤦
Kid, when asked to do a chore: “I hope this isn’t gonna become a habit.”
Mood: the first half of a paper towel commercial when the mom is ready to light her family on fire
Still waiting for a politician to abruptly resign because someone on Twitter with 27 followers told them to.
am i anxious? yes. but is that going to stop me from doing things i love? also yes
Thanks to smartphones, the toilet has been transformed from a place of quiet reflection to my remote business command center. I’m not avoiding work. I’m literally getting shit done.
I needed this today. He takes a break. Lol