No toddler in the world would ever pass a field sobriety test
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[visit to zoo]
See kids? All these animals have to live here in cages because they woke daddy up early one time.
listen, i know shrek isn’t REAL, i was simply asking if it was based on a true story,
Boss: why are your eyes red?
Me: I got shampoo in them
Boss: we’ve talked about this
Me: *sighs* don’t wash eyelashes
Boss: mhm
Me: but you can’t deny this volume
Boss: oh I am painfully jealous
Oh so when Van Helsing kills a vampire he’s a hero, but when I do it I’m “ruining Halloween”
Foo fighters still fighting foo.
It’s so cute when Gen Z tries to insult us millennials. We had metal slides and lawn darts, you can’t touch us
This day in history. 1976. 80-year-old choreographer Busby Berkeley died tragically when he wandered absently into a circle of high kicking showgirls.
Autocorrect changed cute dimple to cute pimple and now he won’t reply to my messages.
The three things Im grateful for:
1. Family
2. Friends
3. Caller ID to avoid family and friends.
I accidentally just sent a kissy face emoji to my female boss… and now we wait for the call from HR on Monday.
wife: “remember when i said you were too friendly all the time?”
me: [making cup of tea] “no im not”
burglar: “two sugars please”
Me: Make me look more rugged & manly, but on a budget
Plastic Surgeon: *gives me a roundhouse to the face*
Me: *spitting teeth out* perfect
Gen X kids never wanted to come home. Modern teenagers never want to leave the house.
Gen X parents of teens are basically feral dogs raising housecats.
Wait!! There’s a box??? 😂😝
[farm]
SON: *crying*
ME: Look, I told you not to get attached to the animals because eventually we have to eat them
SON *running away*: I HATE YOU!!
ME: He’s taking it pretty hard… but I did warn him
WIFE: None of us thought you meant the dog
Think positive! The glass may be empty but the bar is still open.
Any port in a storm is a fun expression until you’re the port. It’s still good but a little hurtful.
her: isn’t my baby beautiful
me: *don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
he’s…preciousher: you said all of that out loud
[First Date]
Him: Great dress.
Me: Oh, this?*flips hair*
*twirls*
*skirt flares*
*foot catches*
*face plants*Him:
Me: Hey! Come back!
8 yr old: Mom, what do you want to be?
Me: Single, living in Bahamas, no kids, maybe operate a little dive shop, driv–
8: I mean for Halloween
Me: Oh, I don’t know I haven’t really thought about it
BRAIN: it’s 4am u up?
ME: leave me alone
B: who was our grade 5 teacher?
M: stop
B: why’s our eye itchy?
M: I’m ignoring u
B: engage bladder
Squid really does seem like the perfect name for that thing
I accidentally got my blow up doll pregnant.
Related: I’ve got some balloons for sale.
Brushed the fur off my couch and made another cat.
Owls are just nocturnal pug birds
I’m at the age where I am about to make a dentist a lot of money.
It’s bedtime so naturally my 6 year old is asking how many days we’ll stay alive.
Cat: WHERE AM GO?
Me: uh
Cat: PLS DO NOT SAY VET
Me: well
Me: um
Cat: U HAVE BETRAYED CAT
*intermittently glances at phone while placing order for 6 burritos so the Chipotle lady thinks they’re for multiple people*
There are hospitals for the criminally insane. And then there are parliaments for the insanely criminal.