me: want to read more harry potter?
7: sure, we are at the part where harry is talking to dumpledore
me: dumbledore
7: right, dumpledore
me: ᵂʰᵉʳᵉ ᵈᶦᵈ ᴵ ᵍᵒ ʷʳᵒⁿᵍ
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AXL ROSE: Where do we go? Where do we go now? Where do we go-o-o-o?
GOOGLE MAPS: Shut up for a minute and I’ll tell you
I took two days of first aid and now I’m really wondering why it takes doctors 4+ years to learn all this!
I’m having an orange at work, and the dogs keep looking at me like, “stop eating that ball, dude.”
Why don’t they make Neapolitan ice cream but with 3 better flavors?
Me: “Why does the date of Easter change each year?”
Priest: “It’s because of the moon”
Me: “The moon killed Jesus?”
Priest: “Yes. Yes it did”
My dog plays tug of war in a ‘keep it, you want it more than me’ fashion.
My wife’s late for work because I unplugged her alarm so I could charge my phone. She’s mad, but at least I can tell you guys about it.
It took a full year of homeschooling but I managed to teach my children how little I know.
Black and white films:
MAN: You there, young man!
A FORTY YEAR OLD MAN: Yes?
HR: Do you use the visualization exercises from the anger management class?
Me: Yes, I picture a swarm of bees attacking co-workers.
If a man strikes thee on one cheek, turn to him the other. Then, having shown thyself impregnable to cheek attack, beat the crap out of him.
My wife put a Jason Momoa poster on the ceiling and now she wants to have sex with the lights on, I call it a win though cause now I don’t have to feel around on the nightstand for my Oreos.
I asked my 5 yr old if she wanted to help me make a cake and she said that she doesn’t make cakes. She eats them.
Her face will be on currency one day.
Who says Republicans aren’t into recycling?
Mitt Romney’s thinking of running for President, again.
Ways cats are like toddlers:
– They love unrolling toilet paper
– They eat from cat bowls
– They suck at doing my taxes
– Somehow they always find their way on top of the fridge
Employee: “Wow, you look tired.”
Me: *fires him for harassment*
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
*buys box of donut holes*
I won’t eat anything that casts a shadow
You can’t tell me there’s anything better than ear plugs, I simply will not hear it
Doctor: you’ll be fine if you don’t touch your face
T-rex: hell yeah
When I’m feeling inadequate, I remember that there are women who marry their prison pen pals, and then my own decisions don’t seem so bad.
When you smile and laugh and pretend you heard a word they said.
~ Night club conversations and marriage
I’ve already broken all my resolutions and like 4 commandments.
Will I be able to follow Children of the Corn if I didn’t see the prequels, Babies of the Corn and Toddlers of the Corn?
I’ll do anything for you as long as I don’t have to get out of this chair.
Is there a bravery award I can nominate my son for as he managed to eat his toast despite the fact I cut it wrong.
My husband gave me a break by doing the grocery shopping, but he didn’t take the kids with him so, I don’t think he knows how breaks work.
heck is a place for people who don’t believe in gosh. danged for eternity.
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
Her: “Oh my God! Where did you learn to do that with your tongue?
Me: “Cadbury eggs.”