snowmen are one of the cutest things about humanity tbh. like oh it snowed? why don’t we make a little guy about it
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Her: I can’t believe you’re leaving me. Is there someone else?
Me: I’ve told you, Brenda, I just really need to focus on my karate right now.
Her: But you’re 57 and a green belt.
Me: Exactly.
COWORKER: how old is our boss?
ME: cut him in half & count the rings
CW: doesn’t that only work on trees?
ME: *over chainsaw noises* HE’S 38
ME: I’ve fallen for you.
JIU JITSU INSTRUCTOR: you’re terrible at this.
My husband keeps watching a tv show while complaining about how boring it is, & now I understand how he’s stayed married to me for so long.
Mom: my friend wants to set you up with her son, he runs a hedge fund
Me, who heard hedgehog fund: that sounds adorable
for someone that hates being touched, i sure do have a lot of kids.
As a doctor I too can prescribe up to 100 milligrams of internet a day
You would be amazed how cheap lawn mowers are at Home Depot when you own a pickup truck and a orange apron.
Unsolved mysteries, cat edition
My family lived on such a tight budget growing up that whenever there was a light at the end of the tunnel, my dad would turn it off.
peeping toms
I like to say thank you to my server when he arrives with the water, then again while he’s pouring the water, then another time when he hands me the glass full of water, and then one final time when he’s walking away
Have learned that my fully potty trained 3yo has been telling her teacher every day that she’s had an accident so that she can change out of her uniform and into her (non-uniform) backup clothes. She’s outsmarted us all. She’s a little velociraptor.
When I go to type “Lmaooooooooo” and accidentally forget the A
Don’t touch the door handles
Don’t touch the light switches
Don’t touch the bedspread
Don’t touch the remote control-me, in this hotel room
When I was a boy we had to invent snow before we could walk 15 miles through it to get to school.
[ during sex ]
Can we make a food baby? I’m hungry.
When your great-grandchildren call you racist for thinking all monkeys look the same.
Hold in my laughter like that? I’d last for 0.1 second
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
Brad Pitt and I had a handsome contest and the loser had to adopt a bunch of kids.
mood
[flirting between USA and Canada]
Canadian: you’re my favourite.
American: no u.
[Riding carousel]
Her: um, we should move on
Me: *drunkenly trying to feed horse sugar packets* hold on, he just needs to get used to me.
some people keep an ugly friend around so that they look better in pictures and for my dog, that person is me
I hate when our cat runs into the room, hisses at an empty chair then runs back out and I end up in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
Saw this guy having engine troubles with his smart car. So I got out my son’s legos and built him a new one. I’m such a giver
KENNEDY: lets keep our affair a secret
MARILYN MONROE: ok i’ll sing happy birthday all sexy & weird at ur bday
K: pls dont
MM: *winking* ok
Salad in a bag. What’s next, spaghetti in your purse? Ham in your backpack? Lobster in your luggage?
People out there are trying to contact the dead and you’re telling me you can’t text back?