blood is thicker than water, which is my secret to winning the annual county fair gravy contest every year
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You seem like the type of person I might give my heart to, but as nervously as I’d be watching a drunk holding a newborn.
I feel like Indiana Jones every time I go looking for keys in my purse.
I can’t wait for the stage of capitalism where we have to watch a 15 second advertisement before we remember a memory.
It’s wrong! If gay marriage is legal who will stop me marrying this painting of a horse. This majestic painting. Who will stop me kissing it
Hey, boy. Are you a Swiss army knife?
Because you’re a smaller, less effective version of everything I need.
Just witnessed a home depot walk of shame (guy taking his purchase back in because it wouldn’t fit in his car)
My boyfriend is being so nice to me since I showed him how easy it was to remove blood from carpeting…
My new pajamas have no pockets. I don’t want to hear your problems.
10: “Did you know Saturn was discovered in 1610?”
8: “That’s not a real year.”
The Mayan Calendar doesn’t really stop at 2012, they just ran out of sexy firefighters.
Do these panties around my ankles make my eyes sparkle?
Went to put some milk in my coffee this morning only to realize my kids drank it all. They leave me no choice.
Baileys it is.
Day 3 of my thirty minute DIY project
No one has more ailments than a child who was put to bed.
Apparently new moms are supposed to “sleep when the baby sleeps,” but I have yet to find anyone who has mastered the art of sleeping while driving or pushing a stroller.
please pray for my sons Thursten and Gorse who have just glued themselves to a curtain,
Wife thinks I was present for every conversation she’s had with anyone, ever, and assumes I know what the hell she’s talking about right now
ME: have you seen my keys?
WIFE: check your pockets
ME: nope
[phone rings]
ME: hello?
CIA: check your other pocket
It’s Cyber Monday, sooo…. what are you wearing?
My hobby is removing unnecessary apostrophes from business signs in the dead of night
“I think it might be time to cut back on the energy drinks, Elliott.”
I have no tolerance for people who refuse to give different voices to characters in a book they’re reading to their kid.
If we just refer to ISIS as “Nickelback” maybe nobody will want to join them
🤣🤣🤣😆 Easy assemble?
When a guy wearing cargo pants hits on me I’m tempted to go out with him just to see how many of my belongings I can fit into his pockets.
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked? It’s not like your clothes die too.
I don’t care what nutritionists tell you- tortilla chips ARE a meal. It has everything your body needs:
1.) Tortilla chips
Apparently showing the pharmacist a picture of my wife was not a good enough reason to get Valium without a prescription.