Every time I see someone getting a mud bath I assume they’re hiding from The Predator.
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The guy who invented doors must have been a big hero to the thousands of people standing around outside their homes.
It’s pretty shitty people are giving back the highways they adopted now that lockdowns are over.
After eating this cereal for 30 years I am still neither lucky nor charming.
Amazon thinks my recent furnace filter purchase was merely the inaugural move in newfound hobby of furnace filter collecting.
My biggest regret to date is probably never telling Kary C, Kerri B, Cari R and Kerry L from 4th grade that their names were spelled wrong..
BY THIRTY FIVE YOU SHOULD HAVE SAVED HALF OF YOUR RETIREMENT WHICH IS EASY IF YOUR RETIREMENT PLAN IS TO WADE INTO THE SEA
Onion rings.
What sounds do other vegetables make?
Billy, 41, Aries, has been driving a city bus for 15 years but hopes to one day follow his dream and be a professional hand model. He enjoys country music and poker night with the boys. He is hoping to find someone willing to take a gamble on him and fix his achy breaky heart
[my first day in a drug cartel]
kingpin: where’s the coke
me: is pepsi ok? hehe
[later]
police: this is the most bullet holes we’ve ever seen in a single body
The date was going horribly until I brought out my tambourine.
“if anyone has reason why this man and this woman should not be wed speak now or forever hold your peace”
*voice in back*
does he even lift?
*Computer crashes, I reboot it*
Computer: Windows was not shut down properly.
Me: Don’t put this on me, man.
Despite what we’ve been lead to believe,
nobody really really really wants a zigga zig ahh
🏙👨🏼
[1987]
Me: Tell me my future.
Psychic: You’ll have a phone that costs $800.
M: So I’m rich?
P: *a laugh escapes from her nostrils* Nope.
My biggest fear is dying in a car accident that doesn’t destroy my phone
me, every single month: why do i feel like shit. why am i so bloated. why am i so upset. i have never felt like this before in my life
*Wife walks in, the house is trashed*
“OMG..we’ve been burgled”
*I jump out of the closet in full hockey gear*
HAVE YOU SEEN THE WASP KAREN?
HER: i can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: i can change, Becky
HER:
ME: into a semi truck
guess who just got fired. the big man at merriam webster didnt like me sneaking in my own ideas for words. not very pompsh of them. not very pompsh at hocklorp
when i met him, i should’ve recognized the red flags because he immediately wanted to move in with me. 11 months later he still has no job or money and i can’t do anything without him watching my every move.
like, i know he’s my son but he’s gotta get it together.
A model train set is the male equivalent of 25 cats.
So many Jesus accounts…and not one is verified
me: umm did you tell your teacher that means pretend karate moves?
6: no
me:
just once i’d like my dog to give me a treat
If you bring a child into a store and give that child a whistle, just know everyone in there will be a suspect in your murder.
*walks in*
Nope!
*does a 360° and walks in further*
Ah that’s why I failed geometry
I gave all the neighborhood kids at the summer block party a whistle and was immediately asked to leave. That was easy.
Couples therapist: So what brought you here today?
Me: An uber haha
Wife: omg this is what I’m talking about!
Couples Therapist: Yes
Wife: He’s hilarious but useless in bed
wife: ugh here comes brad from my work
me: which one is he again?
wife: the guy that says things and you can never tell if it’s a compliment or insult
brad: well well well someone smells like muffin mix