Worst things to discover while skydiving
1) chute won’t open
2) a bear
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Me: I bought a Twix for us to share.
Wife: Thanks, but you know I don’t like Twix.
Me: *already shoving both pieces into my mouth* Oh no, I forgot.
Just found a tiny box full of kids teeth hidden under my sink…dear god I hope these are from my children
Just because it’s called a “fireplace” doesn’t mean it’s the only place I can start a fire
Him: How much do you love me?
Me: A bit more than pizza.
Him:
Me: But not as much as coffee.
I could finish folding this laundry much faster if the cat would stop “helping”!
When a copywriter is asked to make a headline “punchier,” that’s both a description of what the requester wants and how they make us feel.
Not saying dogs are better than kids in every aspect; but good luck finding a kid willing to lick up his own vomit.
Me: “You do NOT need any chips. Please leave them alone.”
6y/o, running off with bag of chips: “Yay, it says it’s Party Size!”
*trips, dumps half of the chips on the floor*
8y/o: “I think it’s more of a Family Size bag now?”
try to describe the hole in the ozone layer without sounding absolutely insane
its a hole in the sky that changes not air to air because we used too much hairspray back in the 80s and now we get skin cancer
If my family starts talking politics at Thanksgiving I’m changing the subject by announcing I’m pregnant.
I had a coworker who had the annoying habit of constantly clearing his throat. Add corduroy pants and squeaky shoes and he was a one-man marching band.
Mozart at 6 years old: composing a minuet
Me at 6 years old: figuring out which marker is the tastiest
I have no covid-19 symptoms, which from what I hear, is a symptom of covid-19
“Your barbeque sauce is on my beagle!” “Your beagle is in my barbeque sauce!” *We both grin and put on bibs*
How long does Chewbacca take to shampoo his hair?
Sometimes when I’m driving I’m overcome with an urge to run into an overpass pillar. Anyway, I’m Kris & I’ll be your Uber driver.
You’re not officially a teacher unless someone you live with has told you that they’re not one of the children in your class and you can’t speak to them like that.
My dog sure acts tough for an animal whose natural habitat is on the couch under his blankie.
Relationship status:
I’ve put my ear hair in braids.
Get at me.
Turns out adding glitter to your urine sample doesn’t add sparkle to the lab techs lives. It does, however, get you yelled at by your doctor.
Friend: How long till school starts?
Me: 8 days, 13 hours, 26 mins, 14 secs.
Lazy ghosts really expect us to get in the car and travel to a haunted house to see them when they could easily just materialize in our homes. I get it Edith you’re more comfortable in an old Victorian manor never going to get unstuck from between realms if you don’t do the work
Commissioner: we’ll need to stay in touch
Batman: ok
Commissioner: this stealth communication device will-
Batman: LETS USE A GIANT SKY LAMP
[2 men standing in an empty basement together]
Man 1: “Alright, maybe we should tell a few people about Fight Club.”
Went to a movie theater for the first time in two years over the weekend. It’s still the best nap that $24.99 can buy.
Did you know that a cherry pie is $12 in Antigua but only $10 in Barbados?
Those arrr the pie rates of the Carribbean.
#CherriesJubileeDay #RubbishJokes #SaturdayMorning
A fun thing to say when someone asks if you have a sec is “I have a lot of secs.” Then wink. Then fill out sexual harassment paperwork.
i hav cat-like reflexes
“prove it”
*looks at a cat*
(instantly) i like that cat
“Do you ever get the feeling you’re being watched?”
[from the bushes]
“No”
Her: Do you have a date for Valentine’s Day?
Me: I do. It’s February 14th.