The good folks over at @funTweeters have compiled 6 pages of my tweets. Are they good? No. Are they funny? Also no.
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For your final meal request to eat the electric chair and then the warden will be like well now what do we do he ate our electric chair
I hate to cancel plans, but in all honesty, when I made them earlier I was younger & full of hope.
“Whaddya say we get together next Thursday and decide what to call these fruits hanging off these palm trees.”
“Ok. It’s a date.”
*Guy tries giving me his phone number*
Me: Oh no thank you. I already have one
family fistfights brought to you by Monopoly
“What do you mean ‘stuffed'”?
Hollywood is done for – you might not believe me, but this is Al.
Milkshakes might bring the boys to your yard, but burnt garlic toast brings firefighters to your door.
ME: *so high I’m screaming*
WIFE: I told you to just call someone to clean the gutters!
me: [puts a snorkel and flippers on my horse]
water polo ref: still no
I think I know the stress of a guy disarming a ticking time bomb after my wife watched me while I unloaded the dishwasher.
*lying in bed*
*drops chip down cleavage*
*thinks, I’m so tired, leave it
*also, mmmmm, breakfast*
“Dad what IS the moon?”
It is cheese. Delicious cheese. Thats why rats come out at nite, to look at it. We must never let rats on the moon.
Her: I’m leaving…
Me: Good. Go. I never loved you in the first place.
Her:…for the store.
Me: Oh…..Pick me up some Funyuns?
I don’t wanna be an alpha male or a beta male. I wanna be an armadillo so when I’m stressed I can just @ and roll away from my problems
My kid showed me a black paper and said, he has drawn a black panther but it is night time.
He has made two blue dots for eyes tbf.
*Licking my plate clean
Girlfriend)You still have to wash that
Me)This house is a prison
“How much plagiarizing gets you arrested?” And other delightful ways my 12yo says goodnight.
Broke my New Year’s resolution to exorcise more and now there are poltergeists and demons all over my house.
911: Whats ur emergency?
“OMG my neighbours cat is stuck on the roof-”
911: Ma’am, this is an emergency only service-
“-of my sons mouth.”
Baby will you be my friend with benefits cause I have an upcoming procedure and don’t have health insurance.
Day 4 of quarantine: I’ve gained 796 pounds.
when a bird is walking around on its little bird legs. it’s mocking you. it’s saying this is you. this is what you look like.
Eating pancakes and bacon when I forget to put my teeth in is just not the same.
Me: what’s this fee?
Bank: your savings balance is zero. minimum balance is $50.
Me: ok
Bank: we charge a fee if it drops below that
Me: do you know how money works?
if you have over 100 followers there is a secret group of people who meet once a week to throw darts at a picture of your face
You people that are getting sex regularly either need to keep that shit to yourselves or be more descriptive.
I get it, you have a philosophy degree, but I just want you to make my latte, not wax poetic about life, okay Baristotle? Extra foam please.
Stop blaming your parents.
You’re 32.
Blame your spouse.