When my burger was ready, the clerk called out “867?”
I yelled back 5309.
No one laughed.
I am old.
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cicadas cotton eyed joe
🤝
where did they come from?
where did they go????
My bathroom scale is wrapped in duct tape, missing half the numbers, and the dial has been stuck at 110 lbs for years, but I refuse to buy a new one because that’s my ideal weight.
Starting to consider a run for political office. Not because I want to do anything, but I’m curious what sort of shit they dig up on me. Would be nice for someone to piece together my 20s.
I can’t believe that as a kid, I was excited about being an adult. Kids are stupid.
Today’s workout. 7 x 4 min intervals, 90 min walk. Participated in polar bear swim. Banned from the zoo.
holy infant so tender and mild implies the existence of a cursed infant so chewy and spicy
My favourite horror sitcom crossover was I Know What You Did Last Of The Summer Wine
Wow. Just found out that in England they’re called “Alvin and the Crispmunks”.
There can be a guy with neck tattoos and a knife in his hand on the bus and I will still be the last person anyone sits next to.
Ma’am do you know anything about your husband’s death?
Yeah, suicide. It’s awful isn’t it?
You’re saying he chopped himself up and threw his body in the lake?
*sigh* I know, he had some real demons.
I could probably survive about a week in the wilderness eating only the food I spill on my shirt any given day.
every time a guy in a movie says he has a bad feeling about this it’s when he’s already driving a car off a mountain and trying to land on another mountain that’s both on fire and covered in spikes. and it’s like yeah man that makes sense
You need to let shit go.
~ Buddha
INTERVIEWER: strengths?
ME: I’m good at presenting both sides of an argument
INTERVIEWER: great
ME: which could also be a weakness…
Woke up to my 8 year old daughter in bed instead of my wife and for a split second, I thought my wife got Benjamin Button-ed.
March 23: Trump pretends to drive big-rig. House bill falls apart.
July 17: Trump pretends to drive firetruck. Senate bill falls apart.
This took me a few seconds.. 😅
My dog is sleeping soundly now that I’ve removed myself from his king sized bed.
*Husband playing computer game*
Me: I’m going to go pee.
Husband: *doesn’t look up* OK.
Me: I’m going to pee ALL OVER THE PLACE.
Husband: OK. Enjoy.
Men and women can be ‘just friends’ if one of them is a ghost.
I forget ONE TIME and my wife changes all my passwords and sets the security question to: “When is your anniversary?”
me (under my breath): don’t let her know how awkward you are
date: what are you having
me: an ok time
relationship tips:
– communicate your feelings
– make her feel pretty
– be spontaneous
– oh god she wants you to kill her ex
– is she still in love with him?
– no she loves you she told you she loves you
– kill her ex
– what the hell she’s gone
– was sara even her real name?
I forgot how to panic. Help
Boss: if you don’t know what to say, slamming your face on the keyboard isn’t a solution
Me: what do you mean?
At the first signs of a sore throat you should be given the option of just skipping 4 days into the future
Why DOES “February” have that extra R? It should just be “Februay.”
ME: The kitten has eaten all the grapes!
GF: Just get some more
ME: Ok[later]
GF: Did you get more grapes?
ME [drowning in kittens] what?
Job interviewer: In the beginning, you’ll be earning $20 000, later on that can increase to $40 000. Me: OK, I’ll come again later then.
[interrogation]
“What do u do for a living?”
Jewel thief.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Cool beef. I bring hot beef down in temperature.