Me: I have to go to a funeral.
Her: Oh, I’m so sorry. Who died?
Me: One of my clients… It’s a business funeral, not a pleasure funeral.
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a fool and his money are hey new iphone
If your kid asks for a napkin it’s already too late.
“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”
Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw
I need to pick up a random hunky guy in a bar, bring him home, have him invite a friend, and THEN mention that I need furniture rearranged
Dr, “So you should continue to eat right, exercise, and get enough sleep.”
Me, “Continue?”
Wife: Today seemed to go much smoother with you and the kids at home. I wonder why?
Me: I think it’s called Stockholm Syndrome.
While I usually love my son’s sense of humour, pretending to not know us as we went through airport security was not one of those times
[standing in front of Stonehenge]: is this all it does
It’s 11:48 PM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed, there’s a creepy rustle, as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a granola bar.
Why is nobody talking about how Sia is just Hulk Hogan’s mustache?
I’ve been watching HGTV with my wife for the past two hours, and just once – just ONCE – I would like to see a couple looking for a home who hates entertaining.
That thing where I write “I” when it should be “me” because I’m not sure but I think “I” is always the smarter sounding option but it’s just flat out wrong in this situation and now I’ve exposed my stupidity to smarter people than I.
ME: someone stole my credit card number
BANK: why would they spend $187 at a hot dog stand?
ME: [hangs head in shame] that wasn’t them
Call all your previous ones relationsinks.
“A little help here, Danny?”
someone please tell my husband that no one can hear him yelling driving tips at them from inside our car.
[Penn and Teller getting a loan for their comedy act]
“Ok all you guys need is a name”
*they look around bank for ideas*
I will raise my son to treat your daughters like spoiled princesses, but only if you don’t raise your daughters to think they are. Deal?
Stormtrooper 1: You ever think that maybe we’re with the bad guys?
Stormtrooper 2: Nah, lets just head back to the Death St… to the ship.
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
AA MEETING
Chairman: Please, introduce yourself
Eminem: Hi! My name is..
C: What?
E: My name is..
C: Who?
E: Hi! My name is..
C: Huh?
We really are the most blessed generation. We’ve had 7 iPhones and 7 Fast and Furious movies.
You shouldn’t underestimate the number of places that you can’t put your finger after you’ve been chopping chillies.
Jesus: I have to die because of sin
God: Yes
Jesus: Which you created as punishment
God: Yes
Jesus: For eating an apple
God: Yes
Jesus: No
A lot to unpack here…
But…girl rabbits don’t either.
Also…does Christ lay eggs?
Why doesn’t every mistake in real life I make have a squiggly red line underneath it?
I think it’s obvious that Goo Goo Dolls and Lady Gaga should do a side project together and call it Goo Goo Gaga.
wife: I wish you’d stop bringing your work home with you
Dr Frankenstein: he has a name
wife: DOES HE
the waiter grinds me some pepper. “tell me when.” i never say ‘when’. the restaurant and the city fill with pepper. sky turns black w/ peppr