If the marriage counselor asks how long since you’ve had sex, she means with your spouse. Learn from my mistakes.
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Sorry I threw your baby but there was a spider on her.
A movie with subtitles, but instead of writing out the dialog, they tell me where I know every single actor from.
If I’m eating at a restaurant and see a movie star, I always take a pen and paper over and ask “Will you pay for my meal?”
According to customer service I can not bring sexy back…
Without the receipt, apparently.
My kids are gone for the WHOLE day.
I miss them SO much, I can barely bring myself to pop this 3rd bottle of Champagne.
Ok, I’ll admit it, my choice of words is sometimes influenced by which ones I think I can spell correctly.
Are you a guest? No, you aren’t. You live here. *takes away napkin and hands you a paper towel*
ME [as a kid]: someday, I can go buy beer legally
ME [now]: i just wanna buy marshmallows
Oh deer
The “Beware of Cat” sign posted outside my house doesn’t seem to be having the desired affect.
WIFE: wtf did u spend $13,000 on at walmart?
ME: [brushing my zebra] he just walked by the scanner and i couldn’t put him back
Hey sorry I can’t make it that night. My wife and I have tickets to a Broadway show. Yeah a bunch of guys brought a giant ape over from some island and we’re going to go look at him
I have an ungodly amount of Taco Bell hot sauce packets for being a grown woman who’s nutritionally responsible for two children.
Me: a pessimist sees the glass half empty; an optimist see the glass half full.
Wife: [returning from the restroom] why is half my mimosa gone?
Me: because you’re a pessimist.
OMG. I saw Leonardo da Vinci trending and thought he died.
law suits: quality garments for lawyers
To whoever has my voodoo doll, can you stop making me stare at my phone all day? This isn’t funny. I just want to live life again.
Feels like the fourth month in January
I believe in you. But I also believe in aliens, big foot, and werewolves so don’t get too excited.
Evolution saved Big Bird from fitting in a mine.
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
Took the batteries out of the carbon monoxide alarm because the loud beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick and dizzy.
My son asked why some mommies and daddies live in different houses, so I sat him down and told him the truth… their kids complained about slow WiFi and never went to bed on time.
The full recap of tonight’s events can be heard on my wife’s podcast, “What kind of idiot doesn’t cover the chili before microwaving it?”
no one’s wearing a mask anymore not even bank robbers
My husband swears he doesn’t read my stupid magazines, so I guess we have a ghost that leaves my Entertainment Weekly in the bathroom.
I like to reinvent myself every year, last year I was a small Italian woman and the year before that a bear.
Panty-less waxed woman hanging off a bridge “I’m gonna jump into that canoe”. Me: “No that’s your reflection”.
What do you call the yellow ones?
-Yellow labs.
And the black ones?
-Black labs.
So the brown ones are-
-No we named those after dog poison.
my mom texts me money bag emojis when i forget to pay her just like the mob.