Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.
Twitter: Hold my beer.
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I got so excited about my new pill box that now Alexa won’t stop suggesting assisted living facilities.
My theory is, “things can’t be too bad if I can still laugh about it”
This has led to me making jokes at WILDLY inappropriate times
Wife and I are at that age where foreplay is just us describing things we’d probably do to each other if we weren’t so tired and achy.
Nothing like a nice refreshing shower to make you sweat relentlessly for at least an hour
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
Toddler, sleepily: “A lot of people live in our house.”
Me: “Momma, Matty, and me. That’s all.”
Toddler, pointing behind me: “And them too.”
I turn to see an empty hallway. I’m 99% certain it was an empty hallway.
My favorite thing is when there’s not enough time in therapy to bring something to conclusion and you’re just sent home with all your unearthed trauma and demons like ok cool see you next week stay hydrated
*getting ready for bed*
Me: Oh did you lock the front door?
Burglar: I’ll go check it
Me: Thanks hon
Wife:
*catching up with an old friend* So how’s your gut fauna?
So, apparently, avid cyclists don’t like it when you call them “pedalphiles.”
adam and eve had first world problems
I used to be able to eat whatever I wanted without gaining weight. Now I pick up a fork and gain seven pounds.
I love when pretty people say that they’re ugly so that I can agree with them and watch the life drain from their faces.
IF I WIN THE LOTTERY MY CATS ARE GETTING GOLD TEETH AND CANOPY BEDS
Nothing makes me more proud of my son’s sense of humor, than when he asks me for help with his algebra homework.
I just had the biggest bowel movement of my life then turned around and the toilet was empty. Needless to say I completely lost my shit
me: arch your back it’ll give you more power
guy at the next urinal: what
If u ask me to baby sit 3 and at d end of d day can find only 1, dat is not a reflection on me as a babysitter.i was nevr gud at maths
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimpleMy fingers: so we did a thing
first world problems
I could really use hands-free web browsing.
Wife: morning
Me: good morning
Wife: my parents are coming over for dinner tonight
Me [pouring bleach in my coffee]: uh huh that’s great
I’m just like King Midas except everything I touch complains to human resources
i’m at the bar pushing pint glasses off the edge like a cat until the bartender sprays me with a water bottle
Note for writers:
If your characters are on the run from the law, they are “on the lam,” not “on the lamb.” Unless of course they happen to be escaping the cops by riding baby sheep to freedom.
The sexual tension between the mustard sauce and my t shirt.
Wife : The neighbours are banging on our front door again.
Me : Why can’t they do it in a bed, like normal people?
My 3-yr-old just found a moldy hot dog in the sofa cushions and ate it.
I know I should be horrified, but I’m actually relieved because now I don’t have to make her supper.
carving our initials in a hotdog before it’s boiled
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: An ostrich.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a runnin’ bird.
ANGEL: I think you need a break dude