Forget sexy talk. I want breakfast talk. Describe those waffles to me nice and slow.
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we will divorce one (1) billionaire every week until our demands are met
Donald Trump only wears a toupee to hide Lord Voldemort.
Her: I don’t think I’ve ever read a recipe before that uses words like smear pulverize and glop.
Me in a huff: well you asked how I made it
Me: I hate people.
H: I challenge you to say something positive.
Me: I’m positive I hate people.
Hell hath no fury like a 4 year old whose sandwich has been cut into squares when he wanted triangles.
The struggle is real
I’m not saying that I’d summon Cthulhu to avoid work this morning, but I’m not ready to say that I wouldn’t either
“My name is Robert and I support apples.”
— Bob for apples
You should always read labels. I was about to eat this rat poison but then saw it has gluten in it. I could have died,
Them: You have a weird sense of style
Me: *takes off glasses* Rude
Them: But true
Me: *takes off second pair of glasses* Give me an example
Good Cop: If you tell us where the money is we can help you.
Bag Cop: *majestically floats around the interrogation room on AC currents*
My midwife just sat me down and gently broke the news that I am simply plump and she has no reason to be here.
30 seconds left on the microwave
~ Women:
set table, pour drinks, tweet, talk on the phone~ Men:
do the space shuttle countdown
Her: Could you dim the lights?
Me: [thinking it’s sexy time] Oh yeah.
Her: Thank you. *begins slide show* The title of this presentation is “Things About You That Need Improving.” Please save your questions for the end.
On average, a person has sex 86 times a year. Apparently, this is going to be one hell of a week.
the inventor of archery: man i wanna stab that guy over there
It’s not about how funny you are, it’s about how funny people think you are. And the majority of people are mentally retarded.
She complained to me that she found her boyfriend’s picture on a dating sight then got mad at me for asking why she was on the site. I should never answer my phone pre coffee.
angel 1: what are these?
angel 2: strawberries
angel 1: you forgot the seeds!
angel 2: oh shit, he’s coming whadda we do?
angel 1: quick, stick ’em on the outside
god: *passing by* ooh nice
There is nothing in the world that lowers your IQ faster than trying to use someone else’s coffee machine.
No Teflon coated pan has ever been a match for my husband and his love of stirring with sharp utensils.
Stages of going to bed:
1. I won’t stay up too late.
2. Oh no.
[watching two deer have sex] well, that’s one way to make a buck
I’m not sure what my wife thinks I do in the bathroom, but I appreciate all her support
[Inventing Squash]
FRIEND: What are you doing?
ME: I just [smashes ball] really hate this wall
FRIEND: u know what [grabs racket] so do I
if food packaging listed side effects like drug labels do:
ice cream: intense pleasure followed by self loathing
kale: smug sense of superiority
bacon: bacon
I just learned that ratatouille is a meal and not just a Pixar movie.
So my dog’s pregnant & she’s never been in contact with another dog & I’m having a lot of accusations thrown my way.
What I said: Please bring your laundry downstairs.
What my son heard: Please drop your laundry from the second floor down into the foyer as I stand at the front door talking to our neighbor so a dirty balled up sock can bounce off my head and into her face.
I didn’t really mind the voices in my head until one of them started their own podcast