I get so crabby when strangers waste my time which is unfair to them because I waste almost all of my own time to begin with.
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Welcome to twitter, the support group for people who like people who don’t like people.
I was walking down the street where the houses were numbered, 64k, 128k, 256k, 512k, and 1MB.
That was a trip down memory lane
Wanted to listen to my audiobook, but didn’t want to get up out of bed & find headphones so my brain was like ugh, there should be closed captions you can turn on so you can listen to the story silently
Coworker sneezed, and said “Oh my. I don’t know where that came from.”
I’m no Scientist, but I’m pretty sure it came from her nose.
Who called it asking the waiter about the specials and not retrieving data from the server
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
So, #Dorners ID was found in San Diego a week ago and then unmelted in the burned down cabin? sounds legit.
I can easily make lemonade, but I have no idea what to do when life gives me a fitted sheet.
[Playing piano to impress a Russian girl]
“Do you like it?”
Her: That’s sheet music
“Yes, it is.”
Her: Now excuse me, I huv to take a sheet.
Toddler: I won’t eat that lovingly prepared, absolutely delicious, gourmet meal because it’s yucky
Also Toddler: Eats 5 week old goldfish cracker from car seat and cries for more
Detective: Where were you on the night-
Me: Twitter
Detective: Between the hour-
Me: Twitter
Detective: I wasn’t fini-
Me: Twitter
Aww, you “only wish the best for your exes?” That’s cool, I lie about things too.
A married woman hit on me today and it was the most uncomfortable and awkward moment I’ve ever had with my wife.
my grandpa: i used to take 50 cents to the store & come back with a new pair of shoes but u can’t do that today
me: inflation, right?
my grandpa: security cameras
Always trust the judgements of a man who honestly answers to the question ‘What’s up?’
My son on the morning of his prom: “Well, it just occurred to me that I paid $130 to go to my school at night.”
I’ll never understand why the guy that invented braille didn’t just put the dots in shape of the actual letters.
My doorbell is the theme from “The Exorcist”.
babe are you okay??? you’ve barely touched your chromatica limited edition curry
My friend just ordered a kale and quinoa salad and a side of eggplant fries and now I’m blinded by whiteness.
sorry but who wants to search “price: high to low”
FYI: hey my wife came home in a terrible mood and I figured I’d read her one of my tweets to cheer her up, turns out that’s a bad idea guys
How do bananas greet each other?
“Yellow”
I’ll thank you kindly to stop rolling your eyes
What do I look for in a girl? Well she has to be hot. And well-rounded. And cheesy. Extra guac. Wait, wrong list, this is my Chipotle order.
Sometimes my sarcasm doesn’t deliver well and people miss the message. Anyway that’s why I’m stabbing you.
*shipwrecked diary*
Day 1: alone, doing well. Mentally sound. Met a crab
Day 2: I have married the crab.
Day 3: I have eaten my wife.
If I hear people screaming, I always go check on them. Not because I’m nosy or some kind of hero. There might be ice cream.
My nephew found a cassette tape in my house. It was like watching early man discover fire.
[lifeguard panting and dropping me in sand] what the hell
[me trying to catch my breath] sorry. I thought you were a shark for most of that
Bscape Enyone Aan Can Have