Me on the toilet: HEY I NEED SOME TOILET PAPER
6: *running around dressed like a mummy* we’re all out
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A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
My son, 15, DOES NOT KNOW the name of the street we’ve lived on for 7 years. We are taking him to the vet to get micro-chipped.
Me: My beautiful daughter, I would cross oceans and move mountains for you. I would fly into the darkness if I knew it would make you happy.
Daughter: Can I have a Dorito?
Me: I’m sorry but these are, unfortunately, my Doritos.
My insurance guys slogan is I’m Zach and I’ve got your back… good thing his name wasn’t Rick
World: What’s the date?
America: Well first and most importantly it’s June
Thank you for clarifying that you’d bite me with your teeth, my mind was running wild with all the possible things you could bite me with.
4-year-old: It’s not fair. Boys can have beards but girls can’t.
Me: Well, girls can have babies and boys can’t.
4: Want to trade?
The Amazon toy catalogue came to the house and my kids have already run up a 3 million dollar Christmas list tab.
I just spent more time trying to get a stuck Junior Mint out of the box than I did studying for some exams in school.
Got down on my knees and clenched the panties with my teeth, gently pulling them to her toes.
Not allowed near mannequins anymore
*in a fight with Humpty Dumpty*
“You don’t scare me, I eat eggs like you for breakfast”
I took 2 inches off my daughter’s Rapunzel length hair before heading to overnight camp and you’d think I just shaved her head for the army.
My kids gave me a headache so I left them a scathing review on Glassdoor.
one time when I was a kid I was in canada on canada day but didn’t realize it was canada day and I saw a mountie on stilts so I spent the next couple of years thinking canada had stilt cops
Don’t think of it as a garlic knot binge, think of it as a vampire prevention plan.
A group of held hands can raise your spirits.
It’s séance!
Her: do you have protection?
MacGyver: *rummaging through her kitchen junk drawer* give me like 5 minutes
and now a text from my mom:
are you okay??? you didn’t like my fb post about making jam, so I got worried
ProTip: Make sure heated seats are off before putting your purse on them…lipstick melts.
I open a yogurt like I’m opening a coffin
[Saturday morning, 5:53 am]
[a tap on my shoulder wakes me]
8YR OLD: dad, I’m bored
Rent really don’t make no sense like why is my apartment getting a raise every year who is doing the performance review.
I just opened a marketing email from Fitness magazine and my computer died laughing.
[Valentine’s Day]
Me: I got you a bunch of flowers
GF: Thanks
Me: There were loads just by the roadside. Got you a teddy and a candle too
Police:Is there anything you can tell us about your attacker.
Me:He was much better at fighting than me.
Police:Ok is there anything else?
I can’t find anything in my job description about being awake
Drove my Chevrolet to the levrolet but the levrolet was dry.
– an early draft
My 6yo spread peanut butter all over the floor outside my bedroom as an April Fools prank.
Is there an age limit for being able to drop a kid off at the fire station with no questions asked?
You can tell you’re getting old when the barber spends less time on the top of your head and more time on your ears.
eating mac and cheese in 64 bites is called mine kraft