DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have loopus.
ME: Oh no! Is there a treatment?
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
You Might Also Like
Whoever invented the carpet sweeper probably died laughing.
Wonder why my son doesn’t want me to walk him to the bus stop?
Maybe I’d better unhook one of the straps on my overalls like the cool kids.
I keep trying to lose this last 180 pounds but he refuses to leave.
Me: Why is the dog staring at the floor?
Wife: I’m baking cookies and she’s waiting for one to drop so she can eat it.
Me: [also now staring at the floor]
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
Whoever named the axolotl was awesome and probably high af
I am literally the only one at this baby shower who turned up with champagne & a coat hanger.
Dear chapsticks that keep getting lost,
Take me with you.
Me: [Walks into kitchen]
[Evil spirit flings open all the cabinet doors]
Me: [Gasps]
.
.
.
.
I still have Pringles?
Nice car! I’ll bet it goes fast!Aww — and you’re getting the door for me. What a gentleman! Sit in the back? Wow! My own chauffeur. I feel like a queen! Handcuffs? I’m not opposed — but seems a bit presumptuous for a first date.
Last time I’m saying it lady, you’re under arrest.
Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you’ll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief
Commander: ARCHERS READY
Archer: (to guy next to him) dude tbh I was zoned out wtf we supposed to be shooting at
I struggle against the ropes binding me, catching the scent of gas. “You’ll die too,” I say.
“9 lives,” my cat whispers, lighting a match.
Why non-smokers don’t take bubble blowing breaks is beyond me
If you hold your ear up to the seashell at my house, you can hear my wife yelling at me for peeing in the ocean.
[commercial for string cheese] do you like cheese?
me: YES
“do you like string?”
me: yes?
Me: I’m in tears
Bored people on the internet: DO YOU KNOW HOW OFFENSIVE THAT IS TO PEOPLE WITH DRY EYE??
“Hey, we’re wearing the same shoes,” I say to a teenager, ruining her day.
I’m starting a website called onlyflaps.
It’s for plane enthusiasts.
What were you thinking?
Led Zeppelin’s “In My Time Of Dying” is my favorite song about a man with a touch of a cold.
*approaches a girl, tips hat* M’lady.
*approaches a material girl, tips hat* M’donna.
My superhero origin story began when I was bitten by a radioactive sofa.
When your house haunted but you got nowhere else to go
I asked Alexa how old Kenny Rogers was when he died. She told me he was 81, and then she said, “Would you also like to know the net worth of Kenny Rogers?” Why the hell would you ask me that, Alexa, am I in the will?
“Let’s get the most uncomfortable mattress on the planet”
– Airbnb owners, probably
My son asked me
“Where does poo come from?”
I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest explanation.
He looked a little perplexed, and stared at me in stunned silence for a few seconds and asked, “And Tigger?”
No one is more shocked that I brought my cat to a baseball game than my cat.
Face ID always wanting me to suppress my emotions this is a toxic relationship
Her: When I said a night guard I meant one of those things that protects your teeth overnight.
Me: *removes samurai helmet* Oh.
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me: kinda feels like Mickey Mouse hasn’t done anything in a while
Obama:
Me: like we all know who he is, but
Obama: but he’s not relevant enough to be The Face Of Disney™
Me: relevance, that’s the word I was looking for