[joyriding in stolen Lamborghini]
HER: No way this thing does 150.
ME: Only one way to find out…
[pulls over & checks wikipedia]
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My brain considers names irrelevant information.
Every time I meet someone new and they introduce themselves, my brain just goes “nope, that name goes in the bin”
Movie makers: keep them under 2.5 hours. Bladders everywhere will thank you.
Assert dominance by putting your hair in your cats food.
This forever.
Spiderman, Spiderman/
Does whatever a spider can/
Attends college/
Works as a photographer/
Just like a spider
I’ve been chasing a fly around my apartment for like 20 mins with a rolled up magazine. There’s a really good article I think he should see
Me having sex is like bungee jumping.
It’s either amazing, or someone gets seriously injured.
There is no in between.
A solid knife fighting strategy is to move clockwise in increasingly larger circles until you reach a safe running distance.
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
2022 Jesus turns water into gasoline.
*wakes up*
*frantically searches the bed for the donut I was eating in my dream*
My dog can predict when an earthquake is going to happen. But television doorbell versus actual doorbell baffles him every time.
When someone asks if I have any hobbies
What I say: Sorry baby, they were out of bubblegum flavored medicine…Grape, will have to do.
What my child hears: I don’t love you, never have…Now drink your poison.
My Chihuahua every time someone knocks on the door
WIFE: Did you sleep with my sister?
INSOMNIAC: No
At a local restaurant, I got on one knee and she said yes. 13 years later I haven’t got the balls to tell her I was just chasing a crouton.
Twitter is a lot like kindergarten; there’s yelling, giggling, struggling with basic reading comprehension…and everyone is super excited to show you their toys.
How do American chickens cross the road? In a bucket.
George H.W. Bush, age 90, went skydiving yesterday.
I’m 45 & I strained my hamstring getting out of my car.
I’ll never rob a store because I don’t want to see the police guess my weight on a wanted poster.
Monsters can’t hide under my bed. That’s where my cats have their fight club.
You know that scene from The Office where Kelly updates Jim on all the celebrity babies and he says “that’s great. What’s new with you?” And she says “I just told you.”
Well, that’s my situation every evening in my marriage but it’s Kate Middleton.
MANAGER: Great news guys, I finally got us a gig
BAND: Thank God! Finally!
MANAGER: *installing RAM* Yeah it’ll make this PC way faster
When kids try to guess your age it will either be completely flattering or utterly devastating, but never correct.
[boss’s office]
I’m tired of staff that think they know everything! Do you know what I mean, Murray?
“No, sir”
I like your style, Murray.
“It says on your profile you’re part of an orchestra? What instrument do you play?”
“Gun”
I’m really enjoying this drive through the desert. There’s so much to see. Cacti, rocky plateaus, rolling vistas, the occasional coyote on roller skates with a giant magnet on his back, tumbleweeds.
I’m just a MAN standing in front of a DOOR because I thought it was AUTOMATIC
Whoever removed the 30th and 31st from February, come get the 14th too