Show me someone who says they like all types of music and I will show you someone who has never been on hold before a conference call.
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Not too drunk to do the project but too drunk to drive to Home Depot. So you see my dilemma.
* Guy at board meeting pitching the idea for a Roomba
You ever notice how sometimes you’re too drunk to vacuum ?
My ex just sneezed and I accidentally said “bless you”.
Now she is staring at the bushes confused and wondering who said that.
Weird how Superman’s an alien but looks exactly like a white dude & then he landed in Kansas & not say, mainland China
A lil bit a Peppa Pig in my life
A lil bit a Piglet by my side
A lil bit a Wilbur is all I need
A lil bit a Babe is what I see
A lil bit a Miss Piggy in the sun
A lil bit a Pumpaa all night long
A lil bit a Porky Pig here I am
A lil bit a u makes me ur man
Feral Hogs Number 30-50
Got into a bar fight last night about how to pronounce Steve Buscemi’s name. We later shook hands when Buscemi agreed that I was right
You look like the kind of girl who would break my heart.
I have a boyfriend.
See, you’re done it already.
[in front of fire]
DATE: I’m still kinda cold *she looks at my jacket*
ME: Oh! Yeah *I take off jacket & throw it in fire* That oughta do it
You know instead of saying half a dozen you could just say 6, right?
*driving past a house already decorated for Halloween*
6, muttering to himself: why do they have a scarecrow? They don’t even have any crops
Helvetica is my favorite font that sounds like a heavy metal band
Packing my lunch and including two fruits so they have each other to keep company when I don’t eat either of them
Let’s join our hands together and pray for my husband who very tragically compared me to my mother.
You have tattoos and curves?
*unbuttons pants*
You’re also batshit crazy?
*takes off pants*
You listen to Paramore?
*puts on clothes*
*knocks over a huge display at the grocery store*
(raises arms in the air)
Ta-da!
I got a $25 gift card to Sephora so I had to come up with $759.67 of my own money to make up the difference on my purchase
“I’m sorry. I haven’t had sex for a very long time.” — and other things I say during the meeting to excuse my bad behavior.
HER: I have something I want to tell u
ME: me too
HER: *smiles coyly* same time?
ME: sure
HER: 1,2,3 I LOVE YO-
ME: ONE TIME I ATE DOG FOOD
My skin is so dry that I can’t tell if it’s kidding.
The weatherman keeps saying we are getting a pounding.
*Followed*
Is your posture perfect? Consider a life of crime. No one suspects the upright citizen.
I like to wait to board the plane so the person seated next to me thinks they’ll have extra space and then I come in right before the door closes and ruin their lives
Transcript of Paul Ryan’s life since endorsing Trump
Getting my drone stuck in the tree isn’t the worst thing that happened to me today.
But it’s definitely up there.
I tell people I’m narcoleptic so if I fall asleep when they’re talking to me I don’t seem rude.
Cartoons led me to believe I would have a lot more opportunities to steal pies cooling on window sills
8 hrs sleep: So refreshed
6 hrs: Feeling fine
4 hrs: I will rip your head off for a minor transgression
2 hrs: Why is my boss a Minotaur
[first day as a flight attendant]
Pilot: tell them we’re descending
Me: THE PLANE IS GOING DOWN
Pilot: wtf take it back they’ll panic
Me: WE ARE STAYING UP HERE FOREVER
Daughter: So the night light will keep the monsters away, right?
Me: haha, no. It’s so they can see where you are. Sweet dreams.
Travelers diarrhea is my favorite illness. You cheat at basketball you get what’s coming to you.