AISLE 7
– Chips
– Cookies
– Quackers
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I held the door for an old person today and he was like, “didn’t we go to high school together” and we did.
If you can’t say anything nice, say something funny.
I get a new phone every year just so my friends don’t think I’m lying when I tell them I’ve lost their number
Avoidance is expensive
me: i won employee of the month
her: ur self-employed
me:
her:
me: i also got demoted
“Can you veegle your toes for me? Veegle your toes.” – Dracula, ER doctor
Me: don’t talk to me till I’ve had my coffee
Waitress: …all I said was “what would you like to order”
Me: you’re doing it again
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me: oh I see the problem
Fashion designers: What do you want?
Me: something that hides my belly fat, shows off my curves and something even an 80 year old would find comfortable
Fashion designers: we don’t do magic
*job interview*
“So this yearbook isn’t your resume?”
“No. I’m not a moron. Those are my references. I highlighted all the NEVER CHANGE’s.”
My tall sister took the vodka out of the cupboards above the fridge.
I always thought those doors were just there for decoration.
olympic swim laps would get faster if they held swimming during winter olympics
friend: the bathroom is upstairs
me(drunk): wtf? *pees pants*
I wish mirrors and cameras would get together and figure out what I really look like.
A measles outbreak? Weird. You’d think in this day and age, they’d have invented something to protect against that.
I used to dream of having my own washer and dryer, three kids later I dream of having my own laundromat
My son turns 3 in two weeks and has zero interest in potty training. I’m trying one more time and then it’ll be his future wife’s problem.
📂Years
└📁 2022
└📁 Good stuff
└⚠️ This folder is empty
The wife: I’m running away
Me: no you’re not
The wife: give me one good reason
Me: you hate running
Her birthday balloon sinks to eye-level and wanders the house all night like some evil disco ghost of calligraphy.
Sometimes I lie and tell my husband I spent $300 at Costco so he’ll stop talking to me.
any site can be a dating site if you use it incorrectly
My dog just tracked and successfully located a folium lanceolatum, more commonly known as a leaf.
There were things in the big “I got scammed” piece that I think I’d have fallen for and things I think I wouldn’t have, but if an ostensible law enforcement officer tells me I cannot get a lawyer I am getting a Triple Deluxe Lawyer
What do the Quiet Place aliens do when the 17-year cicadas emerge and start screaming?
Life advice: Your bark may be worse than your bite but you really shouldn’t bark at people either.
Looking back, I should have considered all the framed pics of serial killers she had as a red flag.
I read a news article about a guy who bought a golden egg for $13k that turned out to be a Faberge egg worth $33 mil. Those kinds of lucky stories would never happen to me. There will never be a news story that says “Man finds lost Rembrandt painting inside bag of Doritos”.
If you watch Footloose during the pandemic, the minister who tells everyone not to dance is now the hero.
Took an 11 year old to play golf and Ive now graduated from his butler to his caddie.
Unwritten rule: if you find an unconscious security guard you have to drag him to a supply closet and change into his uniform.
“what’s your most cherished memory keith?”
[looks at my wife and baby in crowd with loving smile]
[leans into mic]
i heard a dog laugh once