Start every meeting with, “Let’s just agree to disagree.”
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commas are like garlic, you measure with your heart
Under the age of one, babies primarily drink milk, but may supplement their diet with all the crumbs they find on the floor even though you swear you just vacuumed.
signs you’re dating an angel:
– skin made of smooth marble
– thousands of eyes that emit lasers
– wings violently displace tons of air
– 13,000 trumpets constantly
– peaceful sense of impending doom
– giant chalice overflowing with acid
– texts you good morning
[pretending to be on the phone as guy with clipboard approaches me]
“What do you mean I already do too much for charity?”
ME: What’s this bit here?
NURSE: …his heart
ME: Hm.
NURSE: Your résumé said you were a surgeon
ME: My résumé says a lot of things
[me at my dumbest texting my friend]: u left your phone at my house
not seeing the problem
I have a coworker who clears her throat every 30 seconds…. each day I ask myself… is this the day I’m going to prison for murder?
Just because I am an Italian American doesn’t mean my family is in the mob….
It means we used to be.
There’s only a one-letter difference between heroes and herpes so I’m closer to being a role model than you thought.
One time when we were eating breakfast at denny’s my grandma read an ancient mormon hex at the table & accidentally reverse baptized my denver omelette.
Climate Change is just a scam to sell more Climate.
My wife just texted that there’s “garlic dread in the freezer”. I’m afraid to look.
“Are you fine being hugged while you pee?” is a question someone should’ve asked me before I had kids.
Googled woodworking. Broke my coffee table down and built a birdhouse. Desk is now a birdhouse too. Pretty much everything’s a birdhouse now
What in all holy hell is going on with this box of toilet paper I just got from Amazon
Tech Twitter in a nutshell 😂😂😂
#WhenIWasYourAge: We had to open all doors by ourselves. None of them knew we were coming.
4 y.o: I used the potty. Can I have a treat?
Me: No. You always go in the potty
4: I can stop
Me:
Apparently I negotiate with terrorists
If someone overtakes me when I’m walking, I match their speed so it looks like I’ve got friends.
Wife: Thanks for escorting me to the subway. I feel much safer w/you around.
Me: Hey, if anyone’s going to murder my wife, it’s going to be me.
The shopkeeper in my local store is such a nice guy and he often offers candy for my kids. I’ve resisted so far but if he throws in a quart of vodka too he has himself a deal.
(after bedtime)
3:DADDY COME INTO MY ROOM!
Me: go to sleep.
3:YOU HAVE TO COME IN BECAUSE I CAN’T HEAR YOU
M: yes you can
3:NO I CAN’T
People buying plungers never look happy.
Japan’s theme parks have banned screaming on roller coasters because it spreads coronavirus. “Please scream inside your heart.”
Did you know that if you listen to any Black Sabbath album backwards, you can hear them singing backwards?
A haunted house, but just with a bunch of mall kiosk guys chasing you with face cream
Boss: what are you doing?!
Me: *hauling lighter fluid out of my trunk* You said we were having a fire sale
Me: this whole quarantine thing has caused me to use my phone so much more. my phone case feels super grimy and sticky.
Husband: are…are you using your phone to spread peanut butter?
Me, licking case: and jam.
customer service: so the vacuum works just fine but you want to return it cuz it’s… too loud?
me: [looks over at dog] that is correct