I’m always confused at fancy restaurants. Which spoon do you throw at the screaming toddler?
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you can do it, they said…put your back into it, they said
Him: I lost my dog today at the company picnic!
Me: You should post something on FaceBook.
Him: My dog isn’t on FaceBook.
Me:
FIND HIM IMMEDIATELY
Wife: I’m leaving with the kids if you don’t stop pretending our house is a hospital
Me: That would be great, we really need the beds
Kids: CARROTS?!
Me (wipes chocolate off my face): Uh yeah, the Easter bunny has PMS and decided you guys should be healthy.
I bet when Hello Kitty finally grows up she’ll be called Hey Pussy.
I’m naming all my children after Instagram filters. Hudson, Walden, Valencia, Kelvin, Brannan, Willow, and the twins, Toaster and 1977.
Just heard a coworker say “yeah they’re trying to live bicuriously through their children”
Me: *Eating Swedish Fish*
Alexander Skarsgård: OH NO, MY KOI POND!
My husband found me lying on the sofa and said the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
Most couples have at least one odd bit of cutlery in their cutlery drawer that they presume belongs to their partner, which is why it’s fun to sneak odd bits of cutlery into your friends’ cutlery drawer when you visit.
McDonald’s just offered me a coupon book to promote the mcrib in a tweet?? Lmao no thanks,, im not THAT cheap. Not like the McDonald’s™️ McRib™️ sandwich. So tangy. So delicious. A little slab of heaven for a mere $2.99 now available for a limited time only
SON: Can I have a cookie?
ME: Ask nicer.
SON: May I please have a cookie?
ME: Like a Canadian.
SON: So sorry, could I please trouble you for one of your delicious cookies, good sir, eh? It’s okay if you say no. There’s probably a more deserving child.
ME: *hands over cookie*
Saw a kid in a stroller with an iced coffee. I gave him my resume.
I’d say I’m an agreeable person, but if you tell me a clothing item is “out of style” I will only wear it more.
Tuna are probably pretty annoyed with how much we worry about catching dolphins in our tuna nets.
You can tell a lot about a person by how early their neighbors call the cops on Thanksgiving.
My 8 year old just pointed a lady into the direction of the toy section at this K-Mart and now he’s the assistant manager
Be honest, the only reason our generation played outside more as kids is because we had really shitty graphics back then.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years.
Me: February probably.
I’m crowd funding an organic lettuce purchase from Whole Foods.
[Japan]
HEAD SCIENTIST: Hey, what did you guys do with all the nuclear waste?
*distant Godzilla noises*
GF: …I’m pregnant
ME: *holding a 10-piece chicken nuggets box that actually has 11 nuggets* I’ve also got some pretty big news
Seeing Keira Knightley outside of a period piece is like running into a teacher outside of school.
Mom: Aww she is having so much fun!
Child (blowing bubbles and popping them): I CREATE AND DESTROY. I AM A GOD.
cop: we have reports of you impersonating a police officer
me: were they favorable
Kids be like “I didn’t know where this heavy roasting pan went so I put it on top of a structurally unsound pile of tupperware.”
reading Agatha Christie has ruined me for all other books. there are no murders in the first chapter? a child isn’t offed at a Hallowe’en party? nobody falls in love on a train? rewrite this please
Hey is it just me or is there another two-letter pronoun used to refer to oneself as the object of a verb or preposition?