i’ve been kidnapped and quickly released easily 6 dozen times
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Tired of people spying on me while I pretend to work
I must be getting old.
The haircut I need is in my nose.
Toronto Police have found a head, hands, and a foot in a river. There are no theories yet but the hokey pokey has not been ruled out.
Do not drink and drive..
because there are people out there who text and drive…
and they will hit you and it will be your fault !!
8: Mama, did you read this story when you were a kid?
Me: *smiling* Why yes, I did.
8: It’s a really old story then, I guess.
first wiseman: i brought you gold
second wiseman: i brought you frankincense
third wiseman: i brought you myrrh
fourth wiseman: i made you these jorts myself
mary: [to the guy writing the bible] don’t write that last one down
[trying to fit in with people at the gym]
me: *takes a big swig of gatorade* wow you can really taste the gator
Get yourself a man who talks constantly in his sleep. You don’t have to, but I did. Tonight he said “salad salad salad”, then he grabbed me, and continued to sleep.
I assume he meant I’m a delicious life-giving snack, but he may have been suggesting a diet.
her: [during sex] call me names
me: [panicking] optimus prime
If you hold a baby up to a light and don’t see the security strip it’s a fake baby
on a scale of 1 to eating cereal out of a bundt cake pan with a melon baller, how lazy are you about washing dishes on the weekends?
If Sesame Street really cared about children they’d realize Big Bird could feed a hungry family for a month.
What idiot named them Minions and not Gru-pies
ORANGUTAN ADOPTS THREE TIGER BABIES
National Ex Spouse Day fell in the middle of Serial Killer Week, coincidence?
“This smoothie is spicy!”
“Ma’am, that’s salsa.”
Every morning after I get out of the house, a bike comes out of nowhere and runs me over.
It’s a vicious cycle.
They say throwing a party is about planning, but it’s really about setting aside your pride and asking your friends and family to bring whatever dumb items you forgot.
Stages of a quick trip to Costco:
1. I need only one thing.
2. I need a shopping cart.
3. I need help loading this in my car.
4. I need a bigger car.
TIN MAN: I want a heart
COWARDLY LION: And I want courage
ZOMBIE: Braaaaains
ACTOR PLAYING COWARDLY LION: W-wait. Where the hell’d Ray go?
Alright white people, had to Google “totes” to find out what the hell it meant. I know one of you came up with it. Cut that shit out.
Me: this is my service alligator. he’s trained
Him: it’s not trained. it attacks anyone who gets close to you
Me: like I said, it’s trained
I covered my boyfriend’s laptop in melted cheese and now he’s really mad at me. I mean, what did he expect when he asked for Mac and cheese?
“don’t try this at home,” i say to a troop of cub scouts as i demonstrate how to escort an elderly person across the street while carrying a mongoose & a cat who hate each other’s guts
This going into the office stuff blows. Like, I seriously have to wear clothes now.
I’m over at my parents’ place eating dinner and my stepmom comes in and tells my dad, “Your furry daughter is eating” and for a second I thought I was being called out and accused before I realized she was talking about the squirrels my dad likes to observe outside
ME: so this is what it sounds like when doves cry
SUBWAY GUY: all I said was we were out of meatballs
Cashier: this coupon expired last week
Me: so did this yogurt
[me complaining about how many apps on my phone are purple] like I really gotta look before I press it ya know
[guy 911 told me to keep talking to till the paramedics arrive] definitely annoying
[after 47 minutes of listening]
okay usually when someone says “what is wrong with me” it’s rhetorical but thanks for the feedback