Drumpf’s presidential campaign in reverse: an increasingly laughable story of an egomaniac running for an office he couldn’t possibly win
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Thanks for keeping your Instagram account private. I’d hate for those pictures of your lunch to fall into the wrong hands.
Do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
A jellyfish can go its entire lifetime without ever meeting a peanutbutterfish
Went out of town, came back and the roomba changed all the locks
[Dinner date]
I’m a T-shirt and jeans kind of girl, so I guess I’m kinda a momgirl
“You mean tomgirl?”
Don’t talk with your mouth full.
i’ve eaten so many carbs during quarantine, my blood sugar is now regulated by pancakereas
These hair growth vitamins are sure making my mustache fill in nicely.
[GOD CREATING BEES]
G: Super important
A: k
G: And their spit tastes delicious.
A….k
G: But they’re so *clenches fists* angry
The easiest way to tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile is to say goodbye and see how it responds.
Me: My neck is a little stiff
Web MD: You’re in rigor mortis
Can’t feed an old dog new Trix.
Trix are for kids.
i like calling a man my “former lover” because then it sounds like it happened in france and not in the bonefish grill parking lot
I just want to bring your heart to it’s knees.
… And while you’re down there…
When a celebrity dies, who’s the helpful psychopath that immediately changes all the “is”s to “was”s on their Wikipedia page?
dentist: when did you last floss?
me: just last week
dentist: you know i went to school for this, right? i can see that’s not true
me: sorry, i meant yesterday
dentist: what?
me: i mean i’m flossing right now
dentist:
me: ow my gums, they hurt exactly the normal amount
When I see a self-help book at a secondhand store, I wonder…does that mean it worked, or it is bullshit?
I have gray hair where I didn’t even know I had hair
10-year-old: What’s it like to be old?
Me: I don’t know. I’m still young and spry.
10: What’s it like to live in denial?
My problem with McDonalds is I can’t go retrieve my kids in the play tubes because I can’t fit in the play tubes because I eat at McDonalds.
[Wife watching news]: The tuxedo store was robbed. Know anything about that?
Me in super frilly tux: Nope
*Dog walks in also wearing tux*
Dating tip:
If she says she’s into beards, don’t compliment hers.
Yesterday I took my first grade class to meet our new librarian. After leaving, one 6yo asked me if the old librarian left because she wanted to read different books.
[on a farm]
Me: *sees a cow standing next to a bucket*
Oh, I’ve always wanted to do thatFarmer: Go ahead!
Me: *stands next to a bucket*
TALL GUY: 6 feet, 4 inches.
ME: Wow! I only have two feet, but they’re regular sized.
Someone just replied to a group text from 2019 and managed to confuse the whole neighborhood
ME: So how fast are you at making suits?
TAYLOR SWIFT: …
Worst things to discover while skydiving
1) chute won’t open
2) a bear
Me: Why is Amazon showing me this?
Amazon: It’s 15% off.
Me: Well, in that case…
Failed Hallmark card:
I’m sorry I stabbed you with a fork when you leaned in to kiss me.I thought you were going to take my taco.