Good Cop: You’re going away for a long time, buddy.
NFL Cop: Don’t listen to him. Two games, tops.
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just learned that cows have best friends. when they are together they experience less stress which means even cows have more friends than you
All I’m saying is if I’m not allowed to give a monkey a gun at the zoo they should have a sign.
If you need me, I’ll be right here for the next 35 years while my 4yo picks out a bedtime story to read
Do people who bring bikes on the subway know about riding bikes?
Prayers for my 4yo who despite many attempts is currently unable to remove his nose
Thanksgiving regret: no one at dinner wanted to talk about why the family members on TV’s “Dinosaurs” were all different species of dinosaur
[ interview ]
cable company: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you mean between 3 and 8 years from now?
cable company: when can you start
me: between monday and july
10: “Did you know Saturn was discovered in 1610?”
8: “That’s not a real year.”
Me: Got your nose!
Baby: *drags from cig* Let me tell you how this is going down. You give me back my nose & maybe I let u walk out of here.
Hotel Front Desk: checking out ma’am?
Me: I’m a mom of three, I checked out a long time ago.
HFD:
Me: oh yes, I’m done with the room.
[bruce wayne falls into a cave inhabited by a hibernating bear & things turn out very differently]
*my boss going around the room to figure out what employees are most incentivized by
Me: FOREHEAD KISSES
Trev’s antisocial challenge: walk up to the first coworker you see and say, “I’m sorry you feel threatened by my triceps.”
Therapist: Why did you bring a lawyer to a therapy session?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
any boring old meeting can become a seance if everyone works together
Husband is watching a Hunger Games movie marathon with the kids.
Little does he know that while he’s at work all day, I LIVE the Hunger Games with these people. And it’s definitely a marathon.
Her: Would you like a complimentary orange juice with your breakfast?
Me: No, I’d like the rude, insulting orange juice, please.
Drink this wine, it’s the blood of Christ.Eat this bread, it’s the body of Christ.Jesus pulls out hotdog, “Now hear me out”
Stop telling me not to feed ducks bread because it kills them.
Literally all my favorite foods will kill me. Let ducks enjoy themselves.
Genie: I grant you three wishes.
Bob: I want to be rich.
Genie: Granted.
Rich: I want a lot of money.
HR says that we are no longer able to say to anyone “if ignorance is bliss you must be such a happy person” even if we smile as we say it.
Posh sugar daddies are called fructose fathers
Head Chef: You’re fired.
Me: Is it because when I grate cheese-
Head Chef: Yes it’s because you call it shreddie cheddie.
Good: The sweet sound of my child’s laugh
Bad: at 4 AM.
Friend: Don’t be nervous about your interview, just act like you already have the job!
*2 hours later*
Friend: So, how did your pilot interview go?
Me: *sirens blaring as police chase me down in my stolen helicopter* NOT GREAT STEVE
Watching as gravity slowly unfriends you.
guy who invented the wheel: one day everyone’s going to remember my name
judge: on the count of homicide how do you plead
owl chiropractor: a simple misunderstanding your honor
*pauses show* Kids, back in my day we couldn’t watch episode after episode. We would have to wait each week on a specific day and time for a new episode and if we missed it … ARE YOU GUYS WATCHING THE SHOW ON YOUR PHONES?!
When 9 pisses off 7 then 7 flips him off with his ring finger. Then I laugh, 9 gets upset and I really shouldn’t be a parent.