Lional Richie let the world know that he played no active role in raising babies or toddlers when he released the song, “Easy Like Sunday morning.”
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Woke up and poured myself a cup of coffee and then took a nap…
So no, technically, Ms. Snooty HR, I didn’t sleep through my alarm again.
angel: when was he resurrected
god: Sunday?
angel: gonna need you to be more specific if we’re making an annual thing
god: it was like early-mid April
angel: ok-
god: could’ve been March tho
angel:
god: like 40 days after he did the fasting shit
angel: bruh
I will disappear on you at a party and show up 3 hours later with bruises, no phone and a goat.
I know Taco Bell doesn’t have “I hate myself” sauce yet. But they should. They should.
I’m not doing the london marathon today but I reckon if I start training now and eat more healthily, next year I should be able to watch a whole one.
One time I spent Christmas with an exes family and they asked if I’d ever seen A Charlie Brown Christmas, and I said “no, I’m allergic to peanuts” and nobody got the joke and her mom spent all week avoiding putting nuts in stuff and we broke up like 3 weeks later. Carry on.
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my dog
HER: I was mauled by a bear mountain biking
ME: *long drag on cigarette* what kinda bike was it riding, Carol
I’m so angry right now that I could strategically throw my phone at a safe spot on the couch.
I like to walk through the mall and hand out bags of Cheetos to all the kids I see wearing white clothes
Just once, I’d like to see an honest Facebook status, like “happy birthday to my average-looking, sort of friend, Amanda!”
[Divorce court]
Her: I found his Twitter account. I want a divorce.
Judge: He was cheating?
Her: No, he was doing inspirational tweets.
Sorry I booped your nose when you said that you loved me.
When I said “I’m really good in bed” I was referring to sleeping. Sorry for the misunderstanding, you can pull your pants up now.
You can make so much more soup if you use your washing machine.
I hate it when I sit down on a warm public toilet seat and I have to set myself on fire.
*puts up baby gates all around the outside of my house*
There. That should keep ’em out.
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count socks with sandals.
When people try to debate me online I’m just going to suggest they read a book I make up and that doesn’t exist
Please, by all means, call my landline. I’ll reply with a postcard attached to a helium balloon
ME: welcome home John Wick
JOHN WICK: thanks roomie. How’s my tamagotchi?
ME: *starts sweating profusely*
“It’s not what it looks like,” I say to the bunny noticing my slippers.
What idiot called it an engagement ring instead of a Kneel Diamond?
Me: I’m going to start the day early tomorrow.
WebMD: In the morgue.
INTERVIEWER: *putting down phone* Your Twitter account says you’ve had 148 jobs.
[restaurant]
RACCOON (in trench coat): one egg
WAITER: one egg? *suspicious* you’re not from around here, are you?
RACCOON: t-two eggs?
WAITER: ah yes, that’s a normal quantity of eggs
RACCOON: *excitedly* five eggs!
WAITER: *eyes narrow*
To whoever is going out with my ex, please step up your game because He is still texting me.
Google assistant rules