Kids: Why does dad still have to go to work if this virus thing is so serious?
Him: I’ve been working from home this whole week
Me: They haven’t looked up from their iPads since Monday
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TEXT FROM WIFE: I bought some plant based cheese
ME: Treese
HER: I hate you
idea for a black mirror episode: a technology called IceBox™ is invented to store food past its natural lifespan by keeping it cold. a man uses the technology to keep some fruit fresh overnight so he can have them for breakfast in the morning, but his roommate, a poet, eats them
When the executioner asks me what my final words are I’m just going to start filibustering.
I just think mosquitos should go vegan and stop eating me alive
Having your 9 year old daughter pack for a sleepover is a great idea, as long as you’re fine with her taking 17 stuffed unicorns and no socks.
Fun prank: Wear a baby carrier with a parcel in it. Stand at mailbox and yell OH MY GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE!
[family reunion]
Does this place have air conditioning because
[song ends, party becomes silent]
Grandma looks really hot
What base is it when she takes off your clothes, handcuffs you to the bed and her boyfriend comes in and they steal all your things?
“Oh no I left the easy bake oven on” *runs home* *house is filled with tiny cakes*
To my American friends: On Sunday, don’t forget to set your clocks back one hour. On Tuesday, try not to set your country back 50 years.
*A tree barges into a barber shop and starts kicking the hair piles* HOW DO YOU LIKE IT, HUH
Do you ever really know if your bagpipe is in tune?
*putting wrinkle cream on my crow’s feet*
HOLD STILL, MR. VANDERBEAK!
Her: 😉 Is that a potato in your pocke…
Me: *pulls a steaming hot fully loaded potato from my pocket*
Where do bad rainbows go?
To prism. It’s a light sentence, but it gives them time to reflect.
11:14
Them: Mr. Scholl-
Dr. Scholl: EXCUSE ME I DIDN’T GO TO 6 YEARS OF FOOT SCHOOL TO NOT BE CALLED DOCTOR
Them: Sorry, DOCTOR Scholl, can you please put your pants back on, this is an Arby’s
I put energy drinks in the hummingbird feeder. It’s for science.
The most high pressure life situation is doing math in front of someone.
Two glasses of wine and ordering online groceries is essentially clubbing and the bouncer is whether or not I know my credit card expiration date without standing up
[interrogation]
COP: So you play the tuba do ya?
“No, the violin”
COP: Treble maker eh?
My body might be failing, but at least my mind is still sharp as a sack.
To take revenge, I’LL EAT CHINESE.
A friend took a picture of me that made me look younger and thinner, so she’s my wife now.
Hey, my eyes are up here.
Nope. Higher.
– snails, probably
The packing insert from our robot vacuum looks like it should be guarding a temple somewhere.
Insurance company: We need you to fax us the paperwork.
Me: Sure. Let me jump in my DeLorean and drive back to 1987.
So one of team members text me to say he wasn’t well and couldn’t make it to work. I don’t think the first text was meant for me…
Relationship Status: Just asked the bag of Doritos laying in bed next to me if they had enough room
I’m not mad at Bezos for going into space. I’m mad at him for coming back.
I was born a woman, which came as a tremendous shock to my parents as they’d been expecting a baby.