I’m going to run errands, need anything?
“Yes, some new light bulbs”
Why, our current bulbs are too heavy?
“And a good divorce lawyer”
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I stole a friend’s phone today and set it so it will autocorrect “I’ve” to “me’ve” and me’m really excited about it.
Not to brag but I can make my son angry just by asking, “how was your day?”
she think she can manipulate me wit them crystals, girl u is not Thanos
I don’t think it’s ever happened, but according to my dogs’ reactions, I’m assuming that, some dog, somewhere, at some time, has been sucked into a vacuum cleaner.
wife: “man, we’re broke.”
me: “that’s all about to change!”
wife: “how?”
me putting on hot dog costume: “second interview.”
Forgot to mute myself on a Zoom call while my kids were home and my boss gave me three extra weeks of vacation.
Things that don’t kill bees:
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I was putting my jeans on.
i was carrying a 15′ handrail through menards when i jokingly challenged a lady to a jousting match. later, when i thought i saw her again in the parking lot, i said ‘are you ready to joust!” but it wasn’t the same lady.
What did Harry Potter say when he was filling up his car?
Expensive Petroleum.
Considering they were routinely burned alive, a coven is a pretty unfortunate name for a collection of witches.
Why are personal grooming products such popular holiday gifts? How gross is everyone the rest of the time?
Unknown number calls and expects me to talk first, welcome to breathing competition.
The struggle is real
I trapped a ghost in my cooler to keep my beer cold.
Police dogs are fine but we need a few crime dogs to even things up
Interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
Me: probably that I’m easily intimidated by others
I: and your greatest strength?
Me: lulling others into a false sense of superiority
[telling a scary story to a group of moths] and when she opened the door..[holds flashlight to face] she- AH GET OFF OF ME YOU GUYS
Grandpa Joe’s all, I’m gonna just stay in bed for twenty years. Wait, a CHOCOLATE FACTORY? jkjk I can walk!
He’s my kinda people.
Twitter, 2016 (HT @iShami_ )
Kangaroo 911: What’s your emergency?
Kangaroo: I CAN’T FIND MY CHILDREN
Kangaroo 911: Did you check your pockets?
Kangaroo: Oh nevermind
*At The Opera*
Her: Where are you going?
Me: I have to go to the Men’s Room.
Her: I have the car keys.
Me: Shit!
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
“there’s no word that contains all the vowels in order”, I said facetiously
I haven’t had a good nights sleep since I started wondering what holds up those blocks in Mario.
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
I don’t know, guys. The whole “play dead when a bear attacks” thing sounds suspiciously like something the bears would come up with…
me: *googling* am I dying
web md: nope just sad
me: oh good
web md: and extremely melodramatic tbh
me: that’s fair
web md: and I think your anxiety would be more manageable if you got a job and paid rent
me: *shouting from the basement* mom did you hack my computer again
Almonds are good for when I want to have a healthy snack and want to stop having twelve dollars.
My son turned 8 yesterday. I’m killin’ it at this parenting thing.