The slow disappearance in forks from the silverware drawer solidifies my fears of an upcoming arms race with my children.
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*sees other guys posting photos of their abs*
*posts photo of me washing dishes*
*gets hit on by every woman on the internet*
When you’re British and you need to deliver the sickest burn possible
BREAKING: Apple reportedly prepping electric car.
Battery life is expected to be about an hour, with a 2 foot charging cable.
People who can get up to pee in the middle of the night and fall right back to sleep, explain yourselves.
Yoga Matt
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead Linda
Why is it called stupidity and not a total eclipse of the smart?
me: *leaving the bathroom* trust me you do not want to go in there
friend: that bad huh
me: you have no idea
[earlier in the bathroom]
man in the corner: *throwing pennies*
me: please *ow* stop *ow* throwing *ow* pennies *ow* at *ow* me
I’ve never done a tweet call. But today is my 33rd birthday and I hit 600 followers yesterday after being on this website for 9 years. But I actually enjoy Twitter these days and would love nothing more for my birthday than your funniest tweets. No theme. Just funny. Cheers!
“I’m disguising all my tweets as Marilyn Monroe quotes from now on.”
-Marilyn Monroe
“Hi, my daughter will be late to school because she can zip up her jacket by herself.”
Sean Connery still has nightmares about the time he told a woman to sit on his face.
Just spilled water on my laptop so now I’m hanging it out on the clothesline.
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
Wife “There’s three angry bears at the door for you.”
Me *spitting out perfectly temperatured porridge* “Tell them I’m not here.”
Apparently Mr. Neeson’s “particular set of skills” is terrible at keeping his family from getting kidnapped.
Murderer: *trying to break into my home* *struggling with the baby gate*
Me: It’s a – you have to pull with your thumb while you LIFT
Murderer: Like this? I don’t-
Me: Yeah, yeah, now LIFT
Murderer: *jiggling gate* You know what, I’ll try a different house. You have a good night!
[filming lord of the rings: fellowship]
peter jackson: great scene
sean bean: thanks but it’s pronounced “shawn”
*prints out my most successful tweets and mails them to my ex-girlfriends*
My kids broke the TV, tried to cover it up, owned up to it together, and are now inseparable. Apparently all it takes for them to get along is being co-conspirators in a cover-up operation.
DOCTOR: have you been drinking enough fluids?
ME: that’s literally all I drink
The worst time to need sneeze is when you’re driving. The worst time to need to pee it when you’re driving and need to sneeze.
CIA boss: I’ve been informed there is a mole in the office
*gasps*
CIA: I called janitorial but they haven’t found it yet
*laughter*
CIA: also someone in here leaked info
*gasps*
CIA: because tim found out about his surprise bday party
*laughter*
CIA: also someone’s a spy
If you’ve committed to pulling a door handle that says push in front of people you have to rip the handle off. You can’t let a door own you.
My 89 y/o grandmother, who is isolated at home in CT, just told me she reads the replies to my tweets and then investigates the profiles of people who leave rude replies. So don’t be mean to me or my grandma will judge you.
Today my battery went dead on my car key so I had to manually unlock it like the pioneers did.
A fun way to get exercise is grab a chainsaw and chase a hiker.
[first date]
girl: I bet you’re really cute under those glasses
[removes frames/is instantly obliterated by Cyclops’ optic blast]
Today I used bath oil for the first time. I am trying to get out of the bathtub for an hour now. Please send help.
HOW DARE YOU