I’d love to put a timer on how long it takes you to turn the conversation back to you but my stopwatch app doesn’t do tenths of a second.
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Me in my 20’s: I graduated with honors
Me in my 40’s: I beat Waze to work
[first day as mortician]
My boss: Find out if they want cremation or burial.
Me: Howdy folks, smoking or non-smoking?
I can’t run from my demons. The law clearly states I have to keep them until they’re 18.
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
rumpelstiltskin: your child is mine unless you can guess my name within three days
barista: oh no
[death row]
Guard: alright tough guy one last meal
Me: a cyanide pill
Guard: what? no we want to kill you!
Me: too bad
Guard: aw man
I’m sick of men’s 3-in-1 body wash shampoo and conditioner. Throw toothpaste in there.
My dog just winked at me, and now I’m wondering just exactly what the two of us are keeping from the rest of the family.
yo LA chill out with your restaurant names
Person: *yelling at me*
Me: *calmly* Good idea. Saying the same words really loud helps me understand them better
Person: *abruptly shutting up*
Interviewer: there’s a long gap on your resume?
Me: Ah yes, you see I was dressing my toddler
“Dreadfully mediocre.”
“Astonishing lack of imagination.”
“Your child peaked at age 5.”
– why my friends no longer invite me to school plays
My little dog: *knocks garbage can over in kitchen, walks by me with pizza crust hanging out of his mouth like a cigar*
Blood is thicker than water. Maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
Art teacher: I think you’ve misunderstood. It’s the models who will be nude.
Me: Well this is awkward.
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
Thank God I wasn’t on twitter when I was in college. It would’ve taken me 65 years to get my degree.
Went to the car wash and asked for one of those Brazilian wax jobs everyone’s been talking about.
Buying new glasses this week, so a whole bunch of you are about to get a whole lot uglier.
I’m only two people away from having a love triangle.
The one night I drag the lawn chair into the yard, I see a neighbor I haven’t seen in 3 years and she has a shovel. Is this how it all ends?
I abuse music so badly. I’m always like: make me feel good, watch me dance, listen to me sing, improve my mood. She must be sick of my shit.
If your Tesla catches fire and locks you inside it’s not a problem, you just have to look up a ten minute YouTube video to figure out how to escape
Buying a house has proven to be a lot like dating: All the really good ones aren’t even on the market and the rest are in need of a lot of repairs
Imagine being 5 minutes from the end of the longest movie ever & it starts over because it forgot something. That’s my kid telling a story.
If you laugh at a kid’s joke that kid will tell the exact same joke at slightly louder volumes 8,000 times in a row.
[phone rings]
Mum: your grandad isn’t well. I’m afraid he’s on his deathbed
Me: well tell him to get in a different bed then
I hate it when people humble brag about where they went to college. I have this friend who went to Harvard and she just won’t shut up about it. She’s always been like that, even when we were in college together.
[bank robbery]
Me: *passes teller second note* ok, now I would like to make a deposit