Why does everyone despise us lazy people so much? We didn’t do anything.
You Might Also Like
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
Psychic: I’m also a medium.
Me: I’m a large or extra large depending on the brand.
Demon: This is Hell’s library
-Seems…nice? Just looks like a library.
OPEN ONE!
-Ok *opens* This is in Comic Sans!
*cackles* They all are!
If the United States ever collapses, the upside is that we can finally use the blue starry part of American flags to make wizard hats.
Our scariest president was probably Rushmore, because he had four heads
Nobody shoots annoying people into the sun anymore and that’s why there are so many of them left on earth
(Standing in front of 3d printer waiting for my bullets to print out as a killer walks toward me) come onnnn come onnnnnn
Condensed milk is from dwarf cows
[chiropractor]
Dr., your client Tony is here
-Tony? The guy whose skin is made of bubble wrap
Yes
-Oh hell yes clear the rest of my schedule
I find that honking the horn is an effective way to tell another driver, “You’re not going to believe this but you are driving a car right now”
In hell, it’s always the last minute of a staff meeting and someone raises his hand for “one more quick question.”
GIRL: wow that shirt really brings out your eyes!
ME: *eyes protruding completely out of my head* yeah the collar is too tight or something
[Gender reveal party]
Me: I don’t get it. Are they having a Smurf?
Wife: Shutup and eat your cake.
Kid: hey, maybe we can do
something fun soon.*My kid, after a summer filled
with playdates, pools, beaches,
farms, friends, family, bike riding,
playgrounds, fishing, cottage, ATV,
sleep overs, and his birthday.
Preparation, pacing, and focus are the keys to success.
ME: If you won a gold medal you’d wear it all the time too
FRIEND: Ok but that’s a parking ticket
I’m sorry for dropping a glitter bomb in the baptismal pool at church tomorrow.
He thinks the lipstick kiss I left on his bedroom mirror was for him, but I was just kissing my reflection.
Influencer doing makeup tutorial : this is so easy you can NOT mess it up
Me: oh honey…you have no idea
My wife has close friends whose husbands are notably worse than me and I highly recommend this arrangement
Hey, people who leave the volume on an odd, non divisible by 5 number, how do you live with yourselves?!
god: make a giant mouse
angel: okay
god: with a baby carrier on it
angel: wh- why
god: but it’s like, really good at jumping and stuff
angel: [nervously] what stuff
god: [hits joint] boxing
I work with a guy from Mexico who doesn’t speak a lot of English. A Canadian goose made a nest by one of the paddock gates and hissed at him while he was putting horses out. He comes back to us after and says, “I do not like the cobra chicken.”
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into the volcano
king: how would that help
advisor: [throwing stephen in] help what
Wait a minute—if the cat’s in the cradle, then where—
*baby in kitchen, pushing glasses off table while maintaining eye contact
Bring back the McRib
Overheard a woman say very angrily on the phone “I married a stale ham sandwich of a human” and calling someone a stale ham sandwich is probably my new favorite insult
Sniffing the broccoli
If you name a baby Barbara, the baby turns 50 years old immediately.