I wasted my best smelling years on people who didn’t deserve me.
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My husband hates sex so much he left on a two week business trip. Three weeks early!
Everybody at this Home Depot is getting hurricane supplies except this one woman is buying the 12 foot skeleton
Unscramble: pnise
If you got spine, you are correct. The rest of you have been on twitter too long.
My husband said I need a scary costume for Halloween this year, so I’m dressing up as a Positive Pregnancy Test.
Me: Wouldn’t it be funny if a hawk swooped down and grabbed one of the kids?
Him: You need help.
Me:*on phone* OMG thats hilarious! OK I gotta go, everyones staring. K bye. *hangs up* Im ready.
Priest: And do you take this man, in holy
When I’m King, people who say “based” will be the first to go.
*6 opens piggy bank*
Me: wtf where’d you get all that?
6: mommy said I could take $1 out of your wallet each day bc you’d never know
I’m going to a dinner tonight for my husband’s work and he said, “Tonight I need you to be charming and funny and do not tweet about this.”
0 for 3 so far.
Guy at the Xmas tree farm: When you bring it into your house, you need to let it stand in the corner of the room for a while to relax and acclimatise.
Me: Same.
I snuggle with my sweetie boo and seductively ask, “Would you still think I’m cuddly without skin?”
(3am, my kid wakes up)
Me: *Pretends to be asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be more asleep*
Me: *Pretends to be even more asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be even way more asleep*
6: My favorite kind of melon is Watermelon. What’s your favorite kind of melon?
11: Post Melon
6:
A cat burglar, but it’s just me putting stray cats in people’s houses when they leave
Alex: This term indicates a zero score in tennis.
Contestant: What is love?
*dance party erupts*
I had a jacket stolen from me tonight. My enemies will stop at nothing to keep me from maintaining a comfortable body temperature in style
I may be short but I sure as heck can dunk. Donut coffee dunks are my speciality.
Yes little lemonade stand girl, I do want change from that twenty dollar bill.
Two days in a row someone has tried using my Apple Card to buy flowers. Buddy, walk over to your neighbors garden and steal some roses like a real man. The world has gone soft.
if you become a ghost, don’t limit yourself to haunting houses. be the first to haunt a jellyfish exhibit! make a tulip your home and startle a bee. haunt a ball of yarn, get knit into a sweater. remember: it’s your soul that’s eternally damned, NOT your sense of style
How come when people say “it’s been real” it’s fine, but when I say “this has been a fictitious event conjured up by my addled brain” all of the beings around me get awful quiet.
Mmm that smells good. Is it mint?
Are you going to eat it? Please eat it.
No…..don’t throw it away! NO!!
[My dog watching me floss]
Hear me out: A sensor on the back of your car that detects a tailgater and shines a blinding light in their stupid lil eyeballs.
ME: Hi, I’ve got my hearing test today
LAWYER: I keep telling you it’s not a test
Does everyone’s inner monologue have a laugh track?
The terminator figures out where John Connor is but he can’t do anything about it because he’s on 3% and can’t find a charger.
me [as a robber]: What? You wanna case the joint AGAIN??
I want to be cremated so that I will get a smoking hot body again
[several months ago]
BEYONCÉ: Kim Kardashian might be having a 3RD baby
JAY-Z: How many we got
BEYONCÉ: One
JAY-Z: Not a problem
[couple tossing baby back and forth]
[music stops]
judge: custody granted
dad: [holding baby] AW DAMMIT