Ladies: To see how a guy is in bed, watch him put on a shoe. Does he just cram his foot in? Or does he lick the shoe fully then gently enter
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The Three Hole Punch either sounds like an awesome karate move or an awful bedroom experience.
for all #parents out there
ME: haha u dare me to take off all my clothes and run thru this park
COP: no
ME: wow I cant believe ur making me do this lol
COP: I’m not
Always answer a math question in a silly voice because if you’re wrong they’ll think you’re joking and if you’re right they’ll feel dumb.
How to get out of jury duty: When they read the charges, yell out “Hell yeah! I’ve done that.”
Day 3 of home schooling, just had a parent teacher conference with my wife and there was a lot of blaming.
Hi..You’ve reached my voicemail. I could come to the phone right now but I saw your name on caller ID so leave a message..or not.
me: [leaning over, whispering] there’s a giant hole in this plot
him: that’s where the casket goes
I’m an adult, and I can eat whatever I want whenever I want, and I wish someone would take this power from me.
All I do is eat, drink, sleep and tweet.
I’m basically just a more annoying version of a Tamagotchi.
drunk guy just yelled “i love you” to dolly parton and she said “i love you too but i told you to wait in the trunk”
Ok, new plan, I’m gonna marry a Kardashian.
purely hypothetical question, just for fun: what should somebody do if they have to dispose of many human bones?
*being abducted by aliens*
Hey thanks guys it was getting pretty rough down there. What we got goin’ on, snack-wise?
Me: Netflix and chill?
Her: sure
Me: bring a pizza and an internet connection and a Netflix password
Her:
Me: and don’t forget the condoms!
I was eliminated as a contestant on Fear Factor after running screaming from a bee.
I couldn’t afford an engagement ring so I just poured a can of spaghettios on her hand
[car in front of me stops to turn, forcing me to slow down slightly]
ME: I hate you
Pest control guy, pulling a piece of drywall out to reveal an infant sitting inside the wall: Yep you got babies
Turns out, it’s hard to say ‘Whoopdeedoo’ without sounding sarcastic.
Me: If you become a lawyer, I’ll disinherit you
16: From what?
Me: …well played
Two gunslingers face each other in the street, waiting to draw. Minutes pass. I’m still obliviously standing between them sipping a Slurpee.
Before airplanes were invented, it took approximately a week to feed babies because the parents had to walk the spoon into their mouths.
Kids today don’t know what hardship is. When I was younger I sometimes had to wait ALL DAY for MTV to play my favorite video.
Just realized I follow Barack Obama and he follows me back. Excuse me while I send the leader of the free world a DM about Harry Potter.
I get there is a rental crisis and all but…nope.
I hope you never have to experience the loss of a child. Lotta paperwork.
Old Macdonald had a really bad scrabble hand……
E – I – E – I – O…..
dinosaur: *seductively* are you a triceratops or a tricerabottom?