“Matter cannot be created nor destroyed…”
Then explain to me why my kids can manage to turn a bathtub full of water into four bathtubs of water outside of said tub?
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Whenever a long lost friend calls me, I get suspicious & wonder if he’s calling me to sell Amway products..
Only thing I Iike about kids, is their ability to attract ice cream trucks
INTERVIEWER: so what makes you qualified to work at comcast
ME: *shows up four hours later*
INTERVIEWER: you’re hired
“Go ahead caller”
Why radio DJ’s should never work a suicide hotline…
Me: *sends nude of me laying on couch*
Her: When did you get a belly ring?
Me: Oh…no, that’s a Fruit Loop
You ever notice that no one ever posts a story about meeting someone from Twitter in real life because they’re probably in a pit in a basement somewhere putting the lotion in the basket?
When the ex asks to be friends… it’s like your mum telling you that your dog is dead but you can keep it.
bae: come over
me: can’t, in self isolation
bae: my parents aren’t home
me:
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
If a shark is ever attacking me I’m gonna be like where are your parents do they know you act like this
Body: *sharp abdominal pain*
Me: Oh, God. Is that cancer? I bet it’s cancer.
Body: Are you gonna go to the doctor? If you’re worried it’s cancer let’s go get it checked out.
Me: No, I’m good.
I do 8 sit-ups every mornin’. Might not sound like much, but there’s only so many times you can hit the snooze button. Merica.
Listen buddy, I don’t know why I’m doing karate in your bedroom either, sometimes things happen
My parents are always pestering me to have kids. “Who will carry on the ancient family curse?” they say.
I wish you’d told me you were happy just flirting on twitter. I’ve already bought plane tickets and murdered my wife.
My 5yo has gone from simply repeating back everything I say to now repeating back everything I say but with a question mark at the end. This should serve as a reminder to us all that no matter how bad things are they can always get worse.
DATE: So what do you do?
ME: I race cars.
HER: That’s so cool. Have you won many races?
ME: No, the cars are much faster.
I’m an introvert, but my middle finger is an extrovert.
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 24 years. I think they can’t find me.
*hands you baby*
Here’s your Christmas present I got it at the mall but it didn’t come with a gift receipt & people may be looking for it.
My insurance rates went way down after I legally changed my middle name from Danger to Robert.
When clowns first attacked these shores nobody took it seriously. It’s just one boat, how many could there be, they said.
The dog couldn’t get up on the bed anymore so we built her a ramp and now she can jump 14 beds.
Just found out I’ve been drinking straight up cold brew concentrate that’s supposed to be diluted 4 parts to 1, and now I know why I’ve been able to feel my scalp for the last month
me: so you know when you lie on a resume and then you get the job and you’re just like, “I know how to do literally none of this”?
copilot: you’re leaning on the intercom.
Wife: Will you please move your stupid truck?
Me: I’m sorry, move what?
Wife: Ugh. Will you please move the Colossus of Roads?
It’s actually rude to shoot anyone, messenger or not.
The police have asked me to stop sending them cryptic taunting messages until I’ve actually committed a crime
*continues eating while receiving the Heimlich*