My husband is taking me to a scenic bridge today so i guess this is goodbye
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Lmao i opened a checking account in college and years later they needed to verify me and asked me a bunch of security questions that I got completely wrong. Turns out when I opened it I made every answer âshark weekâ so it would be easy to remember
Me: Welcome to my home! Make yourself confit!
Her: Thanks! *grabs a blanket* Wait⌠did you say âcomfyâ?
Me: *setting a tray of duck legs and bucket of duck fat in front of her* I did not.
Somewhere, a real Nigerian prince is sitting at his computer wondering, “Why oh why does nobody reply to my emails?”
DOG DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: Please assume the correct position for operating a vehicle.
DOG STUDENT: *sticks head out window*
DDI: Excellent.
Black Friday: Because Only in America, People trample others for Sales the day after being thankful for what they already have
I never understood âspidey sense.â The last 400 spiders I threw a shoe at didnât see it coming.
If your friend says they can’t swim, don’t make them go in the water because they might be hiding the fact that they’re a robot and you don’t want them to know that you know.
Kobe was a legend on the court and just getting started in what would have been just as meaningful a second act. To lose Gianna is even more heartbreaking to us as parents. Michelle and I send love and prayers to Vanessa and the entire Bryant family on an unthinkable day.
my only crime was caring too much. caring too much about fire
I went in to a pet shop. I said, “I would like to buy a goldfish?â The guy said, âDo you want an aquarium?â
I said, âI donât care what astrological sign it is.â
Horrifying if literal: Robert Burns
judge: your click bait articles have been deemed fraudulent. How do you plead?
me: Iâm innocent and you wonât believe why! click here
HELP how do you know if a guy likes you or is only talking to you because you accidentally hit him with your car
“…so when the plane crashed, we had to do the unthinkable to survive.”
“Eat human corpses?”
[flashback to eating quinoa]
“Y…yes.”
*puts pancakes over eyes like cucumber slices*
13 just put on deodorant without being told so he must have a girlfriend now
first time in subway and the worker took a picture of my order đđ am I doing this wrong
My laughing hysterically at Tom & Jerry cartoons is always tempered by me knowing that my wife is next to me wondering where her life went wrong.
Scientist discovers largest prime number to date, when it was provided to him by a Spectrum customer service rep as a “confirmation number.”
I used to teach a workshop at a prison and one time I took a Lyft to get there and the driver wonât stop talking to me about the stock market.
Then he asked âso what are you up to today?â And I said ânothing much. Just turning myself inâ and the way this man went silent. 10/10
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
#TrueStory
me: how often should I water it?
florist: youâll just know
me: I absolutely will not
My 8 yo daughter’s idea of cleaning is sitting in front of the fridge and eating all the food.
Well Officer..we didn’t have a bottle so that dead guy over there..
“Him?”
No the other dead guy..suggested “Spin The .44”..And I WON!
I thought PrintNightmare was when your boss caught you using the company photocopier to make your lost goldfish flyers.
I just responded to a text message with: I can’t hear you, you’re breaking up
Meiosis is still a better love story than Twilight.
*Corrects the grammar on your Christmas card and mails it back*
My autopsy is going to be surprising as hell because I am 100% filled with mashed potatoes